sane in the psych ward

sometimes i wonder where all the really pretty women are

well i was delivering to this strip mall that hosts really high end stuff like 'gucci' and 'chanel'

i'm getting out the car bring the pizza to this jewelry store and i caught eyes with this woman in a big expensive SUV, with her boyfriend or husband

she rushes out of the car and she's dressed very well

i cross in front of her and look while she looks at me, i look forward while she keeps looking at me cuz i feel like i don't have time

now i'm wishing i did look more as i realized that's where all the really pretty women are, going to dinner with multimillionaires

when i was a young teenager i would write short stories

and my teacher, and in fact most of my english teachers, after reading it would at the top of the page write " rewrite "

even if i was happy with it

bumbaclot

a new curse word that i've heard a couple times

life is not glamorous

my conversation with lisa cairns

[–]to zaddar1 [+114] sent 2 days ago

andrew i met this amazing 93 year old woman tonight on a delivery

she told me not to speak of her or i would die at midnight but my god i swear one of the most incredible people i've ever met

we talked for 20 mins or maybe longer, she was a comedian and she had me laughing almost the whole time i was with her ! probably the funniest person i've ever met

she told me to remember two things

" don't let anyone insult you without your permission ! "

" laughter is the best medicine ! "

she was so sharp and she said she would have never made it that far if she didn't laugh so much, she said from our conversation tonight i gained two maybe three years onto my life

she invited me inside and she had this big house, she was saying fuck this that fuck that fuck my neighbors, so funny

then i left and i walked cooly to my car, i looked back and she was leaning on the doorframe and she had this enlightened face on smiling at me and waving, of course i waved back

got in my car and we waved to each other again, didn't say bye didn't ask for eachother's named .. incredible person

completely alleviated me of these past two days, and she said i made her night cuz she said that since she made me laugh even with our age difference it means she's still got it

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[–]to zaddar1 [+114] sent 2 days ago

lol i was standing there listening to this old lady and i tripped over myself and had to jump over part of a bush ' fall over autistic ' moment

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[–]to zaddar1 [+114] sent 2 days ago

she kept referring back to this story of when she was 21 and writing comedy for others to perform, she wrote this whole skit and they were laughing at everything except for one of the jokes

so the performer gets off the stage and asks her " why didn't they laugh at that joke ? "

and she said she was sad cuz she was 21 and trying to be a comedy writer, and she says looking back now she should of said something like " you bastard shcmuck ! fuck you ! it was your delivery that killed it ! '

something like that, such a funny lady

she had a very nice house, she was married but she seemed like she had a very successful career, she was on a morning show with this guy regis philbin .. she says she was young then too and regis came into the backroom and asked her questions like " what's your age ? are you married ? who do you write comedy for ? "

she said she was so nervous and yeah he was asking this terrible questions, just boringly jotting her answers on a notepad then he left while her heart was beating almost out of her chest

then she got on the show and he was all so friendly and being all happy and smiling, she just said " phony bastard ! "

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[–]to zaddar1 [+114] sent 2 days ago

she said she doesn't let old people into her mercedes benz unless they're wearing diapers cuz they'll piss themselves

she kept calling me stupid and wondering why i hadn't pissed myself yet

pretty cool !

i've been attracted to flying for a long time ! maybe since my dia kensho as a child

how i felt in spain, in love and hopeless !

when i was seven years old and in school we began to learn cursive, somehow i managed to completely avoid the exercises that we used to learn it

now i now only two letters in script " j " and " d " so i could have a signature, and i only learned that when i was eighteen !

i was put into a special class called " reading " when i was six because i was behind in my reading ability, i only left that extracurricular class when i was about ten

and now with learning other languages i've given up, i know a bit of spanish and portuguese but i refuse to learn any more

it was all too much effor and when it's too much effort i let it go !

public school teacher's have little capacity to listen to their students

me asking a waitress after arguing with a delivery driver

don't men have the biggest egos ?

her response :

he thinks he's the last bottle of water in the desert !

what is reality ?

wet microburst

i think she's digging the grave and waiting for me to jump in

reading, studying, thinking

that's not an ' at least ' situation for most people, it's an ' at most '

i listened to this song a lot when my mother passed away

i'm a contemplative type of person

i like to think, and well

how many people can say that ?

a lot of people like to be seen

not me

i'd been thinking recently i forgot what my mother looked like , moving .. not in a picture

i went to a record store, turned out they weren't open yet so i decided to head back home

well i'm driving into my block and i see my father pulling out in his car, he's with his wife going to get breakfast i assume

i'm looking at the passenger seat and i can only see my mother, wearing a yellow or pink shirt leaning forward looking at me and smiling, with her short hair from chemotherapy .. she was still bright even then

she was alive for a moment

i was pretty impressed with this documentary about host clubs in japan

people spend money on such stupid shit

every single second counts, don't waste one

recent videos and photos

real zen / mystical understanding takes a different path

i make a lot of mistakes

i end up learning a lot too

with people, everything is some micro-aggression

people can have a tough time understanding me when i'm messing around

Master Deshan talk part 7: He would tell you not to be contrived. by koancomentator [+3] in zen

[–]zaddar1 [+114][F] 1 point 40 minutes ago

i found a town owned beach today and it's free to park until the summer starts up, $50 parking when it's season, well it was 77 degrees and sunny in spring so there were some people there

i was walking along just looking at the water when i noticed a woman was walking behind me, my feeling was " oh fuck "

she ended up passing me but she didn't seem to notice she passed this small seal sunbathing

i stopped and the seal hardly budged when i was three feet away from it, i ended up sitting down to look at the seal and the ocean

about half an hour later she's made her round and she notices me laying on the sand looking at the seal, i've moved some feet back to drier sand but she's stopped standing looking at the seal

she looks at me, the seal, me again, the seal .. she's sort of astonished

she had red hair and she ended up standing there with me right there as well for about 10 minutes, we didn't exchange any words i just was sitting there smiling as i had another thing to look at, an autistic red haired woman !

the seal had this steam coming off of it even though it was almost 80 degrees and it seemed like it had been there since it was high tide earlier in the day

i went to the beach today and i realized i can't do it if i'm not celibate

i think i'm living like someone who's retired when i haven't even started really working !

andrew writes another insightful comment regarding women :

in the same way men work with things, women work with men !

i write ( edited by andrew )

i saw jaclyn for the first time since she came back from her vacation, the one who works at the restaurant

well she came over and sat down across from me and started showing me pictures, she got a salad too and when she sat down with the salad she gave me this devilish look (ed. he later writes that this look has to do with sex) that i know women give, do you know what i’m talking about ? hillary and my friend christine did it too, recent ones i remember anyway

i think she smokes pot and she definitely smokes cigarettes, she has lots of friends like i’ve said. she she she went to the doctor yesterday and she got a neurological scan done and the doctor concluded she has mild add

the test was she was supposed to watch this video while her brain was getting scanned and apparently the scan showed her mind wasn’t focused on the video but all over the place, fuck i might do the same thing if i was watching some boring video

she’s 20 and going to community college, she asked for my advice because she’s planning on leaving school, i told her to do whatever she wants but that i usually tell people who are questioning it to just leave

i think i heard my older male coworker say “ i think he’s in love ” regarding me, i was trying to keep my cool but i guess i’m having some lust starting to show, so if he knows she definitely does

she knows i’m staying working at the restaurant and said “ its no problem ” , we were talking about how if you leave school you’re sort of stranded for work. i told her to get married to some rich guy but i thinking she knows she can do that

i think she has digestive issues too, so autistic ? there’s a low functioning autistic who ‘ works ’ there occasionally and the restaurant knows he likes her, low functioning autistics seem to always like the girls i’m closest to

she probably has too many problems for me to handle

like i said she came over to talk to me but also this sixty year old who i think does heroin or some harder drug came over and sat next to me and started talking to her about cars for like twenty minutes (ed. sounds like aspergers syndrome), long enough that i had to get up and walk outside for a couple of minutes to get away

so i’m not the only one who is attracted to her

she walked away for a second and the redhead asked “ would you know what to do with that ? ” i shook my head no

andrew's comments

yeah another nightmare

this is all good observation and writing !

some people stay in the same mental rut their whole lives !

me : you are one of the most messed up people i have ever met

rina : Not today
Please.

me : not ever

i give people a lot more credit than they deserve

in this case i give them smarts when it's not showing

i'm completely open to everything

i might stagger at first but i'm there

i can actually see the damage being done doing deliveries, driving down the same street so many times back to the restaurant

i had a sandwich, refried beans, and corn chips from a mexican place yesterday

$9 for a lot of food, but damn my stomach is stinging today ! not worth it

walking down a trail towards the water

clouds are spread across a light blue sky

birds hop along the trail too, red from the cardinals and blue from the bluejays

my view of things are changing

-----

i'm feeling dumb today - corn chips and wheat

i've been in " the game " for a long time

i'm not good at living in populated areas, the more people the more problems for me

i don't say bye anymore, contact is typing fingers and an internet connection away

i am so rational you think i'm crazy

i think women are more empathetic and men more empirical

[–]to zaddar1 [+114] sent 14 hours ago

a man is just a crutch for the woman to stand with ?

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[–]from zaddar1 [+114] sent 14 hours ago

i think if you knew her as child and friend its a good idea not to have sex

you seem more rational, taking the lithium aspartate again ?

i have a neighbour back who smokes a bit of pot and has been away for four months with very little access to it and is much better for not smoking, saner and more dealable !

[–]from zaddar1 [+114] sent 14 hours ago

that's certainly the female view, they won't deny it !

a robot to be manipulated into doing their bidding !

[–]to zaddar1 [+114] sent 1 day ago

i had about 18 people over on saturday night, relaxed party with a fire going

well this girl who i've told you about was there, the one who posted the alpaca video to my facebook page, and i'm outside and then she were looking at eachother and she jerks her head towards the house, so she gets up and goes and so do i

of course i don't have sex with her, she's tried like 5 times. usually it's at a party where she's drunk, i might be a little drunk

well an important point is that after she started staring at two other guys, both she's had some sort of relation with, she's staring so obviously switching between all three of us

so she says let's hang out monday, i say fine and then i text her monday and she says she needs to do schoolwork, cool with me, she then says wednesday (today) but i'm working till 10, she asks where i'm working and i tell her i was offered a job at home depot .. then she just stops answering

i asked her " are you ignoring me now ? " no answer, i've known this girl since we were 9

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andrew highlights and comments

“ she asks where i’m working and i tell her i was offered a job at home depot . . then she just stops answering ”

as you get older you are dropping out of the middle class to lower/working class, it is painful !

so i was driving by home depot looking at the live plants section as i drove by, so i pass it and continue going and what looked like an empty lot filled with old cars i see the same model and color of my bmw

my side fender is messed up after i drove into a parked car as i was trying to park into a space

so i stop in the lot and theres actually an old gas station turned into a mechanic's place

there are two people there outside looking nonchalantly at a car and i thought they were customers and they ignored me

i looked at the bmw and i was amazed it was the same color cuz it's sort of rare to find, it looked pretty good for the most part besides being dirty

anyway then i walk to the garage and i see this guy who is slouching and we make eye contact for one second and then he turns my back to me and is shuffling though drawers, outside there are only junky looking cars but inside there is a bmw m5, which starts at $100,000 and another red ferrari looking car which i'd never seen before which looked incredible, clearly this guy had a lot of skill and was hiding it

i'm standing at the mouth of the garage trying to ask him if the bmw out there is working and he is just ignoring me and not answering at all, i thought he didn't speak engligh so i moved onto the office to the left where the now two people are in there just hanging out

i talk to them and they're sort of making fun of me and it just seemed like they "knew", they said i had to go talk to mariano who was the guy in the garage, he's the owner of the lot it seems like

i go back and i ask him about the car and now he's opening up, he's not looking at me and sitll slouching around, giving me the go around trying to get a feel for me

we get talking about cars and he's impressed i actually know some stuff and he's almost happy that i noticed the car and that it's the same color

to me this guy was like a zen master, so cool, intelligent, playing some hiding game like barry from botton england

we eventually step outside and he's just avoidant still feeling me out or something, but then he just becomes really nice and i start telling him about pizza delivery which he replies " oh mama mia ! you can't be doing that ! " he asks if i go to college and he concerningly replies " you will be getting paid with a low job forever " i say i know and tell him about home depot and how i'm worried about the drug test

i hadn't told anyone in person that i was worried about the drug test and i just felt comfortable telling him, he said " drugs are no good, alcohol is sort of okay. i hope you are okay "

such a nice, intelligent, with a star in his eyes kind of guy

i ws about to ask him if he'd hire me, i think he was considering it too ! he was somewhere in his sixties, i later passed by and saw another incredible looking car in the garage

i left him my name number and email cuz he said the bmw wasn't his but the transmission wasn't working and the owner might sell it .. it had 180,000 miles and a broken transmission, i would have bought it as a "parts" car

today at easter dinner i overheard that a girl, now aged 5 and who i had seen grow up, her family was moving to north carolina

the father was showing concern that she didn't understand what was going on

later when she was playing with her sister i asked her if she knew she was moving

she responded, " yeah "

and i stated that north carolina is very far from brooklyn

she said, " yeah, i know "

don't follow the norms

don't follow the inorms

reality is a flowing inconstant

there

is room

for second

guessing

andrew rolls on thunder and strikes me down :

the norms don't follow me

i don't follow the norms

reality is inconstant

don't second guess me !

i think charles bukowski was right brained like me !

i liked this video from brad warner

andrew says he has a new girlfriend and it's relaxed him

if i go to another zen retreat i'd really like it to be hosted by brad

when i spoke about kensho at furnace mountain i didn't gain anything from telling the teacher dae gak

i was driving around earlier making deliveries and thinking about how there are geniuses in menial jobs

well i go to check out later which involves tallying up all that i owe the restaurant, this usually takes somewhere above 5 minutes to go through each delivery and plugging it into the calculator, then rechecking

one of the other delivery drivers, an older man, wasn't working but was hanging out at the restaurant, just glanced at all of the deliveries and added them all up 1,2,3 no problem right in his head, less than 10 seconds total

he says he gets it right by about 1 dollar every time

i've been going to the park about a half hour before sunset as the park is closed a half hour after sunset

usually when i get there there are no cars in the parking lot which is always a good sight !

well today there were about 3 other cars besides my own, i said whatever and went down a trail and coming the other way was this guy, i said oh well

he rounded the corner and on his shoulder was a big backpack and i shit you not a three foot lens on a strap

i thought i'd humor myself and him and i asked " get any good photos ? "

he kept walking and paused for a second before answering " sure ! "

i said " good ! "

i think he meant " no ! "

well i did get some good videos, tens of thousands of camera equipment not needed !

i delivered to an office full of women today

i got inside and a lady told me to go to an exit sign, i went too far and around the corner were three women, none particularly attractive, and all three just went sort of mouth agape big eyes when i stopped and asked them where i could put down the food

one an old black woman said " i'm not sure, but i'll take you home with me ! "

after a week of running a 3/4 mile every day i feel my legs getting stronger, different muscles being used, and running faster !

i was telling my older woman coworker yesterday how i don't plan on dating for at least a couple years, well i saw she and this girl who had been looking at me previously and i told you about were talking and i walked into a hilarious conversation

the older coworker was saying " he's nice, and he has a good job so "

jacklyn says " yeah "

she goes " so it's good to keep him around "

jacklyn didn't want to hear me say that and all i can do is smile and say " love that ", she looks at me pleadingly saying " you understand right ?! "

either in the same conversation or later on my older coworker said " jason doesn't plan on dating for two years " and unconciously i waved at jacklyn " nope no dating ", that didn't seem to deter her from the possibility of dating me as she said a bunch of stuff later on like asking me a ridiculous question " if you were a food, what would you be ? "

she reminded me of my coworker at sweetwater in mass who we described as 'benign' compared to hillary

i came to the realization today how men are more direct right away sort of people and women like to feel out the situation more

osprey waiting on a rock

anxiety is from hell

rina :

I have very very severe anxiety. Often times it is illogical and controls my life and emotions.

me :

so hell is out for you

rina :

Yes, it always has been.

i was at the park maybe a year ago and i was walking down a path to the water

around the corner came this sketchy looking guy and his very pretty redheaded girlfriend, i'm guessing he was a pill or opiate addict

she stopped in the middle of the path and just stared at me as i was still walking down, he had to grab her by the wrist and pull her towards him where they disappeared down an unmarked trail

i followed where they went months later, it led nowhere really

" do you have a heart ? "

i have a brain

i went to a mock trial the other night, which is basically a trial to prepare the lawyers

the plaintiff was leaving her office building one night after a very serious blizzard several years ago

i think the blizzard happened on a friday or so and she fell on a sunday, so there wasn't snow in the parking lot but there was ice

there were several pictures that we were allowed to use to make a decision, the plaintiff took them the night she fell

the defendant claimed that they didn't clear the ice on sunday (at all) because the sun would appear the next day and melt it

the plaintiff was suing a landscape company that had a contract to clear snow/ice as in the u.s. you are not allowed to sue your employer, in this case it was geico a very large insurance company

there was a camera in the room playing live to lawyers in a different building

so there was some more evidence, and then we went round robin stating if we sided with the defendant or plaintiff

i being an idiot stated first, " listen i just want to get out of here ", i wanted to get paid and if we all agreed on the first go i was fine with that. i said that i was with the defendant as there wasn't enough evidence to support the plaintiff

to my surprise most people were with the defendant, stating the plaintiff, a woman, was negligent

i didn't realize that they can both have shared negligence, like 50% snow clearing company 50% lady who fell

there was a woman and man to my right who were the only ones at first who believed the landscape company was negligent, they were also the only ones who seemed sane after everyone stated their opinion

so next time around i told everyone i was " hearing them out " and i believed the snow company was also negligent

basically there was so much to this and if i was assigned to be a juror i'd have had no clue and most people probably wouldn't have ! this lady who was suing suffered a broken ankle, a fractured knee and hip, 8/10 people were prepared to give her no money at all for the injuries she suffered

so we debated for the next 2 hours and change, it was my first sort of ' set ' debate, lots of fun

i made a point near the end where i pointed out that the contract between geico and the landscape company had very important information that we all missed, the mediator came in and said " all right, it's over ! " it was a long night and we hadn't reached a conclusion

took a video during a break

hillary seems like she isn't going through an easy time

no rich lover to help her out !

---

" I've build an empire in the hidden parts of my soul "

built *

well, it was more of a village outside the gates ..

you don't look as good, you're getting older

time to take care of yourself , alcohol won't do it, drugs won't, and your music performances probably won't support you either

but maybe you can delete this comment, the only comment that makes sense on this blog ?

rina:

You still don't even realize how or where you fucked up.

Jason Da Fonte:

i don’t

like i’ve said, i am really an idiot

i wasn’t trying to boost my self esteem, i don’t need to ‘put others down’ to do that

number 27 of catullus' poetry

Serving-boy fill for me stronger cups

of old Falernian, since Postumia,

the mistress’s, laws demand it,

she who’s juicier then the juicy grape.

But you water, fatal to wine, away with you:

far off, wherever, be off to the strict.

This wine is Bacchus’s own.

sane in the psych ward

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Friday, March 31, 2017

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