" off with her head ! "


" which one ?!?! "












i've met a lot of intellectuals, most with little sense












a couple of old teammates reminded me that i used to stare at planes going across the sky

i didn't think it was so obvious, but they were joking that i used to never listen to the coach but i would be staring at planes, i've been doing that for a long time though staring at planes, never thought it was too obvious

i guess i don't know how people can talk over them













jon writes

there's an exaggeration in life, a boundary

and if you cross that line you're considered fucking crazy

like.... people are content to live in a cage instead of

....just pouring out

reading shakespeare during my teens in school, it never felt right

first of all i have a hard time understanding old english, especially with something dense like shakespeare

i remember watching part of the 1996 modern twist of romeo + juliet , and i think it does make more sense to watch plays rather than read

we read macbeth one year and were asked to do a video interpretation, my group and i made a hilarious rendition of the show 'the office' and macbeth, called it 'macoffice', the class was roaring with laughter and i thought it was pretty well done too.. our teacher gave us a C+, the lowest of all the classes, didn't stop her from choosing it to be one of the two or three she showed as an example to the following year's grade

maybe i'll watch this 2015 version of macbeth
















" the only reason you like Jason is because he is a brain-damaged cuckhold who imitates your style. "


at least i don't drool when i speak/write like you !










once again i don't have enough attention to detail

what i thought andrew said was nesquik chocolate mix and what he really said was nestle baking cocoa

growing up i thought tattoos weren't healthy, i thought most people thought the same but i guess not














if we're solipsists, then we're already talking about solipsism ?










why make sense of the senseless ?











z did you listen to andrew when he told you to give up trying to understand zen and instead focus on health ?


i thought that was a really good piece of advice












leaving my childhood home behind, i'll be sacrificing a lot of luxuries for independence












i've been eating like shit and i feel it in my head, numb !










i was in new york city yesterday to play some pick up soccer with some friends, had to take the subway to get downtown and the subway cars were very packed with people, no room to move around shoulder to shoulder

i was right by the entrance doors to the car very close to people, was not enjoying that

two stops into the ride an asian woman a bit older than me gets onto the car and it's so packed her breasts were on my shoulder

they were soft, and she felt cool and sort of magical, sort of a touch and energy only certain women give me

after several more stops she moved away from me, we exchanged glances, but i hardly remember what she looked like

i get these ephemeral feelings of the past, good feelings not exactly memories

they appear once in a while











when i used to drink alcohol i would get very aggressive, especially sexually to women












sepehr's criticism that i should read more quality was fair, there's always more room for quality reading


i do read quality, but not very diversely













i'm a mix of unknown and infinity

i don't really know who i am though


reading this excerpt of knausgaard's book

writer's groups do not sound like the kind of writing i'd want to be involved in

deadlines, idiocy of other's comments on your writing

he was young though, 19 when he joined, when i was 19 i was writing on r/zen, i was pretty conceited back then too !












girl teaches herself how to dance dubstep by using youtube












i enjoy writing, if i didn't i wouldn't come back here

and i wouldn't sit around thinking i wish i had something worthwhile to write about













“We walked out on the veranda with our drinks and watched the afternoon traffic…I told her that Knut Hamsun had been the world’s greatest writer. She looked at me, astonished that I’d heard of him, then agreed. We kissed on the veranda, and I could smell the exhaust from the cars in the street below. Her body felt good against mine.” CHARLES BUKOWSKI, Women (Chapter 21)










karl ove knausgaard writes about his trip in america and canada









i was gifted and read david foster wallace's " this is water " in book form

i threw it out in a bit of a book purge, i thought it was wishy washy and really not that good










andrew:

its interesting about forgiveness, i donʼt think you forgive or forget for good reason, but you can move to a more functional space where logic rather than emotion rules . .

people make mistakes, but the trajectory won't differ, caution and not being too negative are spaces to move forward . . i n t o ! ?








you think you're giving me advice but it's not true











zephyr writes

An3drew, while he has good advice sometimes, is not perfect. Do not try to emulate him. Get solitude for SHikantaza but also read good works and be your own person and stuff, that's basically Andrew's main message. I've been getting a lot of the latter but not enough of the former, so I need to get the balance right again...

Granted, you don't want to become like Andrew, man. The dude is extremely mean and has bipolar tendencies. One moment he'll praise you and the next moment he'll act as if you were never praised at all.

I don't need another person gossiping behind my back.

Also, the fact you never thought I have never dive, shows how ignorant you are. You can't rely Andrew for all of your opinions, and I've asked you politely before not to gossip behind my back, especially with places where I haven't disclosed my name or whatever. 



i reply

did i say i thought you never dove ? i've been reading your messages and i know youre training for your full license or whatever it is.. i know you've gone on a couple already

i know andrew more intimately than you, so once again with the useless 'advice'

you posted something from ligotti onto the 7thzenpatriarch blog a couple months back, idk if you said exactly what your username was but if people really wanted to know who you were they could figure it out, why the anonymity anyway ?


i don't want to be andrew, i want to be better than andrew but until then i'll listen to what he says cuz you know he's got about 3 more decades of contemplation experience compared to you



i updated my post so that it doesn't show your name directly



i actually find andrew to be very nice, maybe he's nicer to me cuz i actually listen to him and do the work ? where as you just bullshit ? 

what's being bipolar anyway ? isn't the world a madhouse, a constant shifting fractal, so go with the flow life isn't predictable and your emotions shouldn't be either 
















i don't feel bad for being a killer !









my family had the 1989 version of batman on vcr, i must've watched it more than 20 times

the intro was always interesting to me









" what's wrong ? you don't look so happy today "

what i said:

i have a stomach ache

what i wanted to say:

some moron pissed me off on the internet !










i've been on a sugar binge the last couple weeks, today it really hit me how bad sugar can be,  woke up feeling like i was a notch or two down, haven't felt like that for a while

maybe it's the winter ?







pasturized fruit tastes like its fruit pie, minus the pie, tonight it was apple pie-less !











'king moron' starts a thread on ligotti.net

sorta shows what 'king moron' might be expecting from diving, fantasy ? that coupled with his comments about " diving into kensho "

andrew's opinion is that he'll face reality more when he gets more into diving








zakaj's reddit username


zakaj makes a post about his possible hypothyroidism, welcome to the sinking shit zakaj !

it's too bad you haven't listened to andrew, one of the first things i learned from him is to stay away from kelp

grew up eating a lot of this, basically rice with chicken and its blood

my mother used to call it "black rice" because she thought i would be afraid to eat blood, when i found out i wasn't really skeeved by it 

i should quit planning things ahead











reading andrew's pending poems 1 and 2 was my favorite time reading poetry so far

not eating for several days won't be easy

what's with christians obsession in 'looking into the future', raptures and more minor future stuff ?

jesus can't come back if he never existed !













not looking forward to working long weeks on a farm, there will be some positives like being outside











the good think about conversation in writing compared to talking is that you have time to think about what you'd like to say











give people some scrutiny and they react like they're about to die, they treat you like shit and they won't even notice

bastards these people











stomach has been such a mess i hardly want to get out of bed










meister eckhart teaching













zakaj may have an eye for authenticity but he doesn't have much of a brain ! so you recognized the authentic but you fucked up your chance of conversation with him

" go and learn sanskit with gabriel pradipaka "

ouch











me reading two poems

on the edge

alone my whole life

careful, a song might play after the mp3 is done playing and it might be loud













vice's ove knausgaard interview

he and charles bukowski both like celine

walking alongside the house

a moment of respite










weather this, weather that

these people are just looking for an excuse to blab their spit into the air










round 2 stomach virus, same week

this bitch I delivered to was on her cellphone outside when I pulled in, whining " I just can't deal with stomach viruses blah blah "

I tried to keep my distance but I guess that isn't enough










xyz : which teacher read your giver essay and didn't get it and then got a phd ?

me : mr. c

xyz : i never liked him

me : fake as it gets

xyz : i remember he like really embarrassed becca in front of the whole class for not being able to read fluently when she's dyslexic. cathy got involved and he got in a shit ton of trouble
he was such a dick












denmark's forest kindergartens, i think i would've preferred going there rather than normal school as a child, and more preferred to not go to any school













i heard leonard cohen's " i'm your man " while out delivering tonight

just interesting that this guy would end up living at a zen monastery

would make sense that he would be part of a sex club with a song like that









the day i realized i had patience was when i was about 6, my mother and i were waiting for our flight to portugal when i thought to myself ' i finally have patience '

when i was younger than that i was jumpy, couldn't wait to get out of the car or for getting on or off flights, i guess after that i didn't complain as much











ikkyu15 explaining his story of how he came to zen










been wasting my time this last week, not reading and watching crappy youtube videos

doesn't help that i've had a nasty stomach ache










dave was telling me about " the wall " when i was at his place in massachusetts 


it reminds me of a story i wrote while in middle school, we were asked to write and ending to " the giver " by lois lowry

well my ending was that the main character escapes the utopia community he was trapped in, goes through some tundra plains only to be greeted by an invisble wall that he's not able to go through

the teacher said he didn't understand, so i changed it to an invisible electric wall that would shock you if you touched it, and was impossible to get around

still he didn't get it he said, years later this teacher went on to get a ph.d










magnesium taurate tough on the stomach, yeah i agree








guess i got on sepehr's good side, anyway helpful to find that chatroom where i can find books, probably shouldn't spend any money on something that can be found for free








video edited by /u/nixonisnotacrook

waves of depression, i'm not even any good at hiding it

zen retreats were somewhat interesting, but from this point on i think i'd rather vacation by myself

and luckily soon i'll be living by myself

i'd like to write on r/zen, but i don't have the experience i want to take on the idiots

i used to think i wanted to be fully conscious and 'awake', now i realize that i want to be naturally unconscious  

andrew figured out all this health stuff by researching it himself, there's a lot to be gained there, unfortunately it started somewhat late in his life

with me i'm lucky that that andrew is willing to share all the information and experience he's gathered and also starting at a younger age, but i don't have the benefit of researching it all myself

most people don't find health research and application interesting, i find it all too interesting, maybe a bit too complex as well !

a stomach ulcer, i knew something would get me, if it was to be headaches or ulcers, guess my damnation continues !

liking the kneeling chair so far, this is how i prefer to sit but in a regular chair it's a bit awkward !

good to strengthen my back too !

is the world out to kill me ?

once you're dead you're gone forever







my damned stomach










the best writing comes from one's own experiences









how many artists, writers, poets fail ?

how many women take a bullshit art degree, only to throw it away for marriage and children ?






andrew:

 do you ever get the feeling you are performing a volunteer service without much reward ? 


me:

they don't deserve it !








the most cultured people i've delivered to have also been the craziest

one man waited for me outside, drunk and in his pajamas he paid for the pizza and then said "did you get my four loko ?" four loko is a cheap sugary alcoholic drink for those of you who don't know

no one at the store told me about getting this guy a four loko at the gas station, which i would've questioned anyway, but without even asking after i told him i didn't, he says "alright drive me" and walks to the passenger door and gets in

i was wondering if i should drive this crazy person, but the store was only a couple blocks away and i was a bit too shy to say no

i was playing classical on my car radio and when he heard it after a couple of minutes he said "this sounds like bach !" it was bach, i was impressed

he later told me his son got a full ride to MIT, and here was this guy telling me living in his dingy run down condo


made a delivery to a pretty nice apartment complex, read the ticket it says "4E", so i buzz and the intercom just sends some feedback, a short buzz to unlock the door but not enough time to open it, again i buzz, same thing, buzz again and this time a voice comes through the intercom "what's your problem numb nuts ?!" i could sort of tell when he said it that it wasn't very original, and i figured he must have mental health problems, and that i might have the wrong apartment number so i went to the car to get my phone

call the number, it's the same guy on the intercom, tell him some guy is calling me numb nuts and to buzz me in, he says something like "oh sorry buddy" and finally lets me in

get to his number and ring, he answers in a full face ski mask, says something i don't know, takes it off smiling and tells me to come in, go in and he explains that "what's your problem numb nuts" was from full metal jacket by stanley kubrick, i told him i just saw a documentary concerning kubirck and he was interested and told me to check out life in pictures - stanley kubrick, told him i would, and that lars von trier was one of my favorites and he said that yeah he was good too

he asked my name, told him, didn't ask his and left










i was watching tv earlier, specifically ' the big band in pyongyang ', here's a clip, always find it interesting watching north korean stuff







bill meier, a nice man in a malignant environment, delivering pizzas through the fumes of traffic on his bicycle
although he appears to be a nice man, his job and his diet led him to his early death at 52
ulcer problems, got that in my family too, even with myself i've been feeling occasional 'stinging' in my stomach










koreans have an interesting way of greeting people from what i've experienced so far, you'll do the handshake and when they want the handshake to be over they will grab your hand and lead it away or to the next person










art and literature is so much more beautiful, babbling religious bullshit i never got into










i used to zone out in church every sunday.. hardly ever listening to any words but instead going into my imagination, memorizing prayers to avoid punishment

need to tell you before i forget, been hearing voices myself, less when i'm alone and more when i'm at work or playing soccer

a mix of compliments and insults, and yes they can be subtle often quiet

when i was younger it could even be shouts, usually my mother screaming my name when no one was home, but all the time i shrug it off

last year after some friends left my house i heard someone run up the stairs loudly and then down again but no one was there

but yeah more quiet and subtle, usually with the voice of people that are in the room

i agree with andrew that my 'vision' of the octahedron was hypnagogic, i believe i did just wake up from a nap when it happened







andrew:

be the bad diet at tassajara !

the voices are you, or your brain, but there is an interconnect problem between some parts or functions, will be a combination of developmental and nutritional problems

also the failure of the "default network" of the brain to shut down, like "day dreaming" going on when it shouldn't be .

marius romme makes the point that the characters and content are going to reflect our preoccupations and trauma's, in effect the substance of the default circuit !

hearing voices is more alarming than scary, the alarms ask why is this happening ?








i was actually elected to student office while in high school, used a lot of tactics that politicians use even if it was a minor scale

what makes the best candidate is the most real candidate, but the most real candidate doesn't always get elected






i'm starting to believe that following politics is worthless for the most part, a circle that's been going around for a long time










bach cello suite 1  played by yo-yo ma









"i've worked 13 hours a day for a long time, i've never enjoyed my life"








an artist has to be interesting for his art to be interesting

D: In the old plays—Shakespeare, Schiller, the Greeks—the powerful are always the tragic figures. Their power could be envisioned by the audience. But today power is too enormous, too automatic. We cannot see it anymore. So the powerful are the terrible clowns among men. They are anonymous, inhuman. We see them only from a distance.

K: They are inhuman because we can’t recognize them, identify with them?

D: They are inhuman because they are so powerful and because their power separates them from other men.

friedrich durrenmatt interview at temple university

' monk by the sea ' by caspar david friedrich

' wanderer by the sea fog ' by caspar david friedrich






andrew

w r i t e s

i have heard of really dangerous things being done on ambien !

folapro/metafolin which is a metabolically advanced form of folic acid is the most effective sleep aid for "wired type" insomnia and lowers homocysteine as well !

I have always had sleep problems but have worked a few things out and sleep adequately now

circadian rhythm and light exposure is very important

two separate sleep periods can be surprisingly effective !

my reply

my friend's dad takes ambien, after taking it he'll go down to the kitchen in their house, boil a pot of water on the stove, leave it boiling with the burner on and go back upstairs to his bedroom








after a lifetime of excessive eating, i'm in the process of learning to eat less










"do you hear what they say ?

you cannot be like them"





"is everything all right ?"

no everything is all wrong !








i was laying in bed months ago when i had an urge to raise my hand, was looking at it and a purple octahedron appeared in my hand spinning

i have a good skill of tuning out bullshit conversations

my parents were both fluent portuguese speakers, but luckily i was the only child not forced to go to portuguese language learning school

in portugal and at home i never tried to learn the language because it was too much to handle, so even when i was in portugal my family knew i didn't speak very well and so i was restricted to yes or no questions which gave me a bit of freedom

i can understand it pretty well, and can even read it sort of well, but i can not free hand speak it.. and like my spanish i learned in high school it's fading more and more without practice