once you're dead you're gone forever







my damned stomach










the best writing comes from one's own experiences









how many artists, writers, poets fail ?

how many women take a bullshit art degree, only to throw it away for marriage and children ?






andrew:

 do you ever get the feeling you are performing a volunteer service without much reward ? 


me:

they don't deserve it !








the most cultured people i've delivered to have also been the craziest

one man waited for me outside, drunk and in his pajamas he paid for the pizza and then said "did you get my four loko ?" four loko is a cheap sugary alcoholic drink for those of you who don't know

no one at the store told me about getting this guy a four loko at the gas station, which i would've questioned anyway, but without even asking after i told him i didn't, he says "alright drive me" and walks to the passenger door and gets in

i was wondering if i should drive this crazy person, but the store was only a couple blocks away and i was a bit too shy to say no

i was playing classical on my car radio and when he heard it after a couple of minutes he said "this sounds like bach !" it was bach, i was impressed

he later told me his son got a full ride to MIT, and here was this guy telling me living in his dingy run down condo


made a delivery to a pretty nice apartment complex, read the ticket it says "4E", so i buzz and the intercom just sends some feedback, a short buzz to unlock the door but not enough time to open it, again i buzz, same thing, buzz again and this time a voice comes through the intercom "what's your problem numb nuts ?!" i could sort of tell when he said it that it wasn't very original, and i figured he must have mental health problems, and that i might have the wrong apartment number so i went to the car to get my phone

call the number, it's the same guy on the intercom, tell him some guy is calling me numb nuts and to buzz me in, he says something like "oh sorry buddy" and finally lets me in

get to his number and ring, he answers in a full face ski mask, says something i don't know, takes it off smiling and tells me to come in, go in and he explains that "what's your problem numb nuts" was from full metal jacket by stanley kubrick, i told him i just saw a documentary concerning kubirck and he was interested and told me to check out life in pictures - stanley kubrick, told him i would, and that lars von trier was one of my favorites and he said that yeah he was good too

he asked my name, told him, didn't ask his and left










i was watching tv earlier, specifically ' the big band in pyongyang ', here's a clip, always find it interesting watching north korean stuff







bill meier, a nice man in a malignant environment, delivering pizzas through the fumes of traffic on his bicycle
although he appears to be a nice man, his job and his diet led him to his early death at 52
ulcer problems, got that in my family too, even with myself i've been feeling occasional 'stinging' in my stomach










koreans have an interesting way of greeting people from what i've experienced so far, you'll do the handshake and when they want the handshake to be over they will grab your hand and lead it away or to the next person










art and literature is so much more beautiful, babbling religious bullshit i never got into










i used to zone out in church every sunday.. hardly ever listening to any words but instead going into my imagination, memorizing prayers to avoid punishment

need to tell you before i forget, been hearing voices myself, less when i'm alone and more when i'm at work or playing soccer

a mix of compliments and insults, and yes they can be subtle often quiet

when i was younger it could even be shouts, usually my mother screaming my name when no one was home, but all the time i shrug it off

last year after some friends left my house i heard someone run up the stairs loudly and then down again but no one was there

but yeah more quiet and subtle, usually with the voice of people that are in the room

i agree with andrew that my 'vision' of the octahedron was hypnagogic, i believe i did just wake up from a nap when it happened







andrew:

be the bad diet at tassajara !

the voices are you, or your brain, but there is an interconnect problem between some parts or functions, will be a combination of developmental and nutritional problems

also the failure of the "default network" of the brain to shut down, like "day dreaming" going on when it shouldn't be .

marius romme makes the point that the characters and content are going to reflect our preoccupations and trauma's, in effect the substance of the default circuit !

hearing voices is more alarming than scary, the alarms ask why is this happening ?








i was actually elected to student office while in high school, used a lot of tactics that politicians use even if it was a minor scale

what makes the best candidate is the most real candidate, but the most real candidate doesn't always get elected






i'm starting to believe that following politics is worthless for the most part, a circle that's been going around for a long time










bach cello suite 1  played by yo-yo ma









"i've worked 13 hours a day for a long time, i've never enjoyed my life"








an artist has to be interesting for his art to be interesting

D: In the old plays—Shakespeare, Schiller, the Greeks—the powerful are always the tragic figures. Their power could be envisioned by the audience. But today power is too enormous, too automatic. We cannot see it anymore. So the powerful are the terrible clowns among men. They are anonymous, inhuman. We see them only from a distance.

K: They are inhuman because we can’t recognize them, identify with them?

D: They are inhuman because they are so powerful and because their power separates them from other men.

friedrich durrenmatt interview at temple university

' monk by the sea ' by caspar david friedrich

' wanderer by the sea fog ' by caspar david friedrich






andrew

w r i t e s

i have heard of really dangerous things being done on ambien !

folapro/metafolin which is a metabolically advanced form of folic acid is the most effective sleep aid for "wired type" insomnia and lowers homocysteine as well !

I have always had sleep problems but have worked a few things out and sleep adequately now

circadian rhythm and light exposure is very important

two separate sleep periods can be surprisingly effective !

my reply

my friend's dad takes ambien, after taking it he'll go down to the kitchen in their house, boil a pot of water on the stove, leave it boiling with the burner on and go back upstairs to his bedroom








after a lifetime of excessive eating, i'm in the process of learning to eat less










"do you hear what they say ?

you cannot be like them"





"is everything all right ?"

no everything is all wrong !








i was laying in bed months ago when i had an urge to raise my hand, was looking at it and a purple octahedron appeared in my hand spinning

i have a good skill of tuning out bullshit conversations

my parents were both fluent portuguese speakers, but luckily i was the only child not forced to go to portuguese language learning school

in portugal and at home i never tried to learn the language because it was too much to handle, so even when i was in portugal my family knew i didn't speak very well and so i was restricted to yes or no questions which gave me a bit of freedom

i can understand it pretty well, and can even read it sort of well, but i can not free hand speak it.. and like my spanish i learned in high school it's fading more and more without practice