what i have to say to sepehr is way to go fuckwit !

well, my ex-girlfriend is pretty much out of my life and so that means i'm pretty much done with women in any sort of sexual way !

"Solitude, after all, is both fertile and fecund—a dark, deep, and mossy recess studded with gems. Your self is boring and inane only when you’re too busy, too hurried, or too harried to explore it properly. Given the time and opportunity to become acquainted with your own inner self, you’ll find an infinite font of secret wisdom there."

written by lorainne disabato

i had a lot of salt today from soy sauce, my heartbeat is faster than usual

andrew: 

1. wang wei, li po tu fu all affected by the an lushan rebellion !
   
   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Lushan_Rebellion
   
   it really helps to read up on the lives of these great writers and poets, it explodes the hagiographic bullshit that religious morons push when you see the problematic lives of real people with an understanding of infinity !

me:

bloody times

sort of interesting that those three were from the same time period, and with tu fu and li po being close, sort of


yeah jesus first of all probably didn't exist, and if he did he wouldn't have lived for very long because he would have been assassinated, or executed, so it's sort of ridiculous to think that poets/saints lived carefree lives


even li po, tu fu, and even you worked for a large portion of your lives, li po and tu fu maybe not enjoying the spoils as much, considering their life span 

was watching barry lyndon when my friend called and told me he was outside with his dog (a staffordshire bull terrier), i figured i needed a break from the movie and decided i'd go walk around the block with the dog and him

he's walking the dog without a leash and eventually the dog sees a cat, the cat is pretty far away and walks away when it sees the dog, thought nothing would come of it, when we got near the backyard where the cat walked to the dog went wild and chased the cat into the bushes, i didn't see what happened but heard screams from the cat

the dog ran back with blood on it's snout, cat seemed to run away but with definite injuries

my friend later said he doesn't learn, i told him it's not that he doesn't learn he doesn't even start

i saw a rottweiller being walked without a leash once by the elementary school, it saw a squirrel and bolted similarly to the dog today

i don't know how to take good advice when it's given to me

i'm sort of excited to watch this, documentary of a ch'an monastery in China made by the director of "Amongst White Clouds"

director's blog

xanax definitely works, and it definitely has side effects !

just because i study zen doesn't mean i'm better than everyone else

tassajara-

one time i decided to climb one of the hills in tassajara where they had their solar panels, you had to walk up past the highest cabins for a good five minutes or more until you reached the top

it was a good hike and some guy gave me a book written by adyashanti and told me to read a certain chapter, i read it near the top but it was pretty bologna

anyway at the top i walked around for a bit and eventually i came to this platform that was sort of hanging off the edge and on the platform was two of their military mattresses with two pillows and a blanket all messed up

at first i thought it was a good spot to watch the stars and i was thinking of going up there myself at night, but then i realized how many people were fucking up there and i got sick, it was one of the moments i realized that tassajara was full of shit

the other moment i realized tassajara wasn't what i was projecting it to be was the first time i got there and the woman leslie greeted us with a fake smile

going to the park by myself, that's better than any church service !

my friends commented how in shape i was playing soccer the other night, i hardly noticed how much i was running, these vitamins and this diet isn't for nothing !

growing up i didn't have much to read, my parents were illiterate and from a different country, but my love for reading was very strong, the books i did have i would read at night until i would sometimes fall asleep with the book still open in my hands losing the page

this sort of reading i'm doing now i've been waiting for a long time, i'm in love with reading 

writing still eludes me, i've just started and shouldn't be so ambitious 

no one wants to hear any sort of truth

i'm in my zone when i'm alone





what i'm learning from friends is that they eat dumb shit, do dumb shit, and then repeat the cycle
what i learned from going to parties is the moments i remember most is when i would give myself a moment to go outside with no one else









" the rough sea / stretching out towards Sado / the Milky Way "
HanShan






i've been spending most of my free time in my room, only leaving for food in the kitchen








doesn't matter how intelligent you might be, the mind needs to be stretched and not by jerking yourself off with your monotonous thoughts, but by reading others and having experience









my father's side has ulcers and alzheimers, my mother's side cancers and migraines, i'm fucked








half a ghost, you're there but i don't really see you






my other friend has been using heroin for at least a year now, probably longer, he matches the bill looks just like a heroin user







my friend was talking about how he experienced anxiety one time, i thought 'one time ?! ' jesus it's daily at this point, maybe hourly





life's always been shit, i'm just used to it at this point

it'll get worse though, and then i'll die






sepehr and zakaj are a mix of moron and intellectual, spouting bullshit constantly with little review of what they're saying
they don't listen, just talk talk talk way too much
since i got to the 7thzenpatriarch blog i didn't like either of them, i guess because they don't review their lives, how much time can you have when you're married ?
zakaj has a guru, what a lame ass, he can't even see the guy is a fake

i mean the two are better than the average, but when you wish for "normative ethics" how much better than the normal can you be ? sepehr doesn't care about enlightenment, what the fuck is he doing then

andrew moderating his blog, i don't know what to think about that since in the past he's criticized people for doing just that
i can understand it being tough for him, especially zakaj and sepehr writing essays on nothing too important
yeah so they don't think he's authentic, so really they're just messing with his time

f u c k i n g  m o r o n s the two of them



** because this blog is fun, and your writings are fun and interesting **  is zakaj's comment

pretty much shows that zakaj is messing around
i wouldn't say i have fun on the 7th zen patriarch blog
i have been laughing recently with all of this






anxiety is going down thanks to lithium carbonate







some people like to consume so much alcohol they forget the whole night, or accomplish the same thing by combining alcohol and prescription meds like xanax, my question is 'what is the point ?'
every time i ask no one seems to have an answer

when i was younger playing xbox this older guy was saying he needed to take a smoke break so bad, i asked why, he said it was to relieve stress, we asked if his source of stress was needing to take smoke break, he just got angry at the question




new mexico's jemez mountains





i want to write too, but i feel that i can only write retarded stuff about myself, i want to write about others too







i had some bread stuff yesterday, i feel like my thinking is slower






andrew yells to the universe

 i will never die, others may but i never will !

"Why should Infinity matter to me if there is no greater fruit to it?"
what does this say about sepehr ?

lately i've been inviting people to post on the 7thzenpatriarch blog, and so far no one has posted ! i don't know what they're so scared about, but it's the same thing for andrew, he invites people to post and they just don't

"sepehr, you are talking theories of philosophy, i am talking actual physics

interestingly a corollary of david deutsche's open and closed/unread messages on time like curves changing history is that open messages in the present also change the future, which we know to be true from our experience

however you can take the view that the future is somewhat fixed in a similar nature to the past which implies that if the world is too open to messages in the present that life and our world as we know it would become extraordinarily unstable . . 

historically the open message that religion is bullshit had as a direct consequence the murderous soviet and chinese communist regimes since religion has always acted as a socializing break on the usual human genocidal tendencies, the message was too powerful and actually distorted since usually religion does carry at its heart some sense . . 

so the fact that you don't seem to take a word of what i write in my 
"open messages" is part of the the boundary condition of a sort of "metaphysics" maintaining the stability of the world

so of necessity people cannot really take on board what i say and in fact what i say being taken on board must leak out of the future in a limited way, similar to how i take on board the great the minds and writings of the past . .

there are physics of reality that do not permit people to understand the mysticism i talk about ! 

i have no experience with pea protein isolate, could be ok or mightn't be, if you use for a while let us know how it turns out !"



one of the first conversations i had with andrew, deleted my replies because i was embarrassed
another
another (deleted username)

Andrew: 

"the light of the lightning flash

reveals

you

and

the

thunder rolls for

the

rest

of

yourlife

time

i'm starting to get interested in programming, a lady on reddit let me know that Elixir/Phoenix is really blowing up
Andrew recommended a blog post from the creator of the Phoenix language, i ended up finding a phoenix chat where the writer was online
me: hey, can i learn to code with elixir/phoenix as a completely new programmer ?
chris: Jason____ yes
me: hey chris i just read one of your articles on little lines !

 could you expand on how i should go about learning phoenix ? really i'm completely new to this game

chris: their will be less content for absolute beginners, but lots of things suggest a functional language is easier to learn for someone completely new to programming
You'll want to start small into Elixir first,  and get your feet wet their. I would start with the getting started guides at elixir-lang.org http://elixir-lang.org/getting-started/introduction.html
I gave a workshop geared to ruby folks, but it might also be a gentle intro for youhttp://www.chrismccord.com/blog/2014/05/27/all-aboard-the-elixir-express/
from there pragprog's Programming Elixir is a good start. Once things start to click for you, then I would head over to phoenixframework.org and start the guides there
it will take some tinkering/playing/frustration to internalize a lot of things, so hang in there :)
me: thanx dude :o)







i can't stand anyone being better than me





" the free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them "
Charles Bukowski

i feel like there are a lot of posers in this world, it really gets me confused

my last boss was in a rage one day, i walked in a bit late and he screamed "you are an actor and a pretender !"
it bothered me for a while, because i thought he might've been right, recently i figured that the pretender was really him !
quit the same day




dad doesn't want to have christmas at our house, he says he doesn't feel comfortable. if it's not here though, the family won't be together for christmas, and i don't have anywhere to go. i really worry he might have symptoms of alzheimer's, it runs in the family





americans can list off actors/actresses, facts about them and go on and on
but they can't say anything meaningful about themselves !






saw a picture on facebook of my ex with some guy, she doesn't seem to be so into him, but even after 3 years i felt a hint of jealousy
i'm very prone to jealousy, at least i was





i do want to live in the country, and being in real estate could afford me that, but will i make enough money ? will i struggle too much, work until very old age ?
i could do programming, it would be a lot of work, but at least i'd be making decent money
maybe i could program for a couple years, get some sort of base, then try out real estate






what's the difference between being alone and solitude ?
what's the difference of being alone and solitude ?
what's the difference between solitude and being alone ?
i asked andrew, he didn't answer
for me to figure out ?
andrew: neither of them are words i use, i might say "i live by myself", but 'solitude' or 'being alone' are not things i feel !







alone my whole life
rough water
smooth water

alone my whole life
smooth water
rough water




i liked the poem i wrote "standing on a thousand foot cliff", it came to me seemingly out of no where, i did have some harsh words said to me by my father. difficulty builds a person ?





never really thought myself seriously suicidal, but the amount of times i've imagined deadly things happening to myself contradicts that






definitely attracted to damaged women more than the average, always been physically pulled to them
in my teens i played social online games, i would chat with these girls who had lots of problems, i never really saw the problems as too serious, these girls always interested me
i've lost contact to most of them, the ones i liked most
even when everyone says a woman is gorgeous, i'm not interested if she's not got soul





copying andrew's style too much, i'll be happier when my own really starts to show
for now i'm happy that i have the literary genius of andrew to guide me

no need to be scared of ghosts or monsters, what's really scary is people