i was looking at the tassajara zen center website, it might be fun to stay as a guest practice (half day work) and maybe a couple days of regular guest stay ($150)
the food looks atrocious and is, but the hiking was fun
i might've told you this story but one day i was just sitting in the middle of the courtyard by myself before dinner and i think there was this yoga retreat going on
this absolutely stunning woman sits down next to me but i was so incel i just started talking about random crap, this lady must have been in her early 30's but incredible looking
another morning i woke up before the bell so around 4am and i heard this shrill from the room next door, i sat there wondering if i should even bother but decided to get up and check if she was okay, she said she saw a mouse or something but was giving me these looks for going to her room, i said goodbye and she tried to talk to me some more for the next several days but i just ignored her
she ended up getting with the baker seemed like
KeyserSozen-Today at 10:48 AM
@jason showing up and immediately shitting on everything isn't a great way to have a conversation...
Citizen-Today at 12:16 PM
@jason Why are you letting the 8 winds move you? STAND FIRM BROTHER!
jason-Today at 1:04 PM
you meet somebody once and then it's just a continuing conversation
Citizen-Today at 1:04 PM
Who are you trying to convince?
jason-Today at 1:05 PM
why are you so angry ?
Citizen-Today at 1:06 PM
you tell me
how can I not be angry
this is something Ive been working on
in the midst of rage, how do you control your emotions?
How many stations does the Via Crucis on "Via Dolorosa" have, JD? The Spirit proceeding toward Golgotha look like a dress-up game to the non-elect as per Mt 13:11 & Luke 8:10 & Mark 4:11
Ora pro me.
well i've thought about that for a long time so the context is general
but i guess it was brought up again today when the alpaca farm owner, who has been calling me depressed for months, said i looked unhappy
when i first got there she waved at me to come over as she sort of treats me like a dog and said to do something and i said okay without much emotion attached and then she said " i'm so busy ! there's so much going on ! " she was telling me around christmas how she and her husband had a fight so bad it brought up divorce
so basically i think she's projecting her unhappiness onto me, i told her though i'm neither happy nor unhappy
this is actually extremely good and probably the best buddhist related reading i've ever done !
the only time women have the chance to talk to me lately, in person, is if i'm at work
on two recent occasions i was asked the same question
" where do you live ? "
i tell them but i'm not too interested in having them over !
i can't listen to common advice because i'm not common
people are so dull they could try to stab me and it would leave a bruise
the haters keep hating but i move on !
" forgive and forget "
remember and move on
couple photos from the farmer's trip to zambia
security is an illusion, money isn't though !
what makes you a witch ?
" i believe reality is created by our consciousness and beliefs "
i would say there's an unmitigated reality that isn't touched by consciousness or beliefs !
" and what's that ? "
an infinite space that humans hardly ever touch
and then she unmatched me without a response and without me being able to say anything more ! ( tinder )
she was polyamorous
a problem with nairi is not that she wants to live sustainably on her own farm, it's her fantasy that some guy is going to come by and do all the work for her
what is she doing for herself to achieve that dream ? she is 29 years old with a kid and lives in some shitty city in massachusetts with absolutely no skills in farming
you know what's less interesting than crazy people ? non-crazy people !
and the facebook conversation :
flowing definition of borderline personality disorder : sharing stories you've only told a couple people to turning your hand over and saying " i want to hang up i'm getting a bad vibe "
you got a free therapy session from me , probably should've dropped you from the start but i did get a learning experience out of it !
Õ†Õ¡ÕµÕ«Ö€Õ« Õ„Õ¥Õ¬Ö„Õ¸Õ¶ÕµÕ¡Õ¶ accepted your request.
What do you expect when you say you'd kick me in the vagina? I was enjoying talking to you and you're an interesting person. I decided to be open with you as a way of releasing barriers. You were also adamant about me sharing. There were a couple off things you said that I didn't get a good feeling about. It made my heart sink and I need to trust my intuition. It's never steered me wrong and I've brought trouble when I've ignored these types of feelings in the past. I don't have low self esteem, but I do have a chip on my shoulder and a wounded heart. I don't appreciate you using this against me. I've been through tough times and trying to stay balanced abd feeling whole and awesome. You can't blame a gal for trying. I deserve to enjoy life and love and fun-filled laughter. That's my goal and my gage to determine what I want in my life.
well i did say from the start that we'd be trouble for each other !
i was looking forward to making a friend, if you weren't so quick to make judgement it could've happened
you can deny but i think i brought you to your boundary and it scared you, i do that unintentionally !
another thing that scares women about me is that i'm not just another man because i'm actually savvy with women
we've both been fucked yo by death and a whole other host of thing unfortunately : o (
i don't mean to hurt you but a good question to ask is why did your ex boyfriend move so far away from you ?
Yeah but I don't use my past or anyone else's to try to stab them. My boyfriend left mostly because he couldn't handle my son and realized he wasn't ready to settle down. Either way, it's not nice to try to convince me that I'm damaged goods. I know we're all figuring ourselves out through our experiences and I am using them for personal growth. Judgements on yourself and others is not productive. Hope you see that someday and learn to be nicer in general. The way you talked to me here also verified my feelings of wanting to keep away. I have healing to work on and don't need anymore bad vibes. Thanks
you're seeing me wrong and i'm not surprised, as i've said i like you but really i am not trying to stab you and i'm not upset
what i'm trying to say is that life is not unicorns and fairies and you seem to be getting upset with me for saying that which is why i say you're acting so borderline !
i don't want to spell everything out in what i mean but what you are really is untouchable and being damaged is just that we face really hard lives cuz we're actually so different from the rest of the world :o(
why do you only want " good " vibes and not " bad ", do you think your life has only been filled with " good " ? i take the bad too because it grows me much more than living some fantasy glamorized life !
the problem between me and you is that you want to be top dog so bad otherwise we'd actually be quite amicable !
I have had the full mixture of good and bad and don't need everything to be unicorns and rainbows to be happy. Why would I was a friend who is mean and jokes about kicking me in the vagina the first time we talk? I have plenty of bad vibes that I tolerate and roll with in my life already from some family or friends. The contrast is what helps us see what we want and I value both for that. You have showed me that I do not want you in my life. That's all. We're all entitled to our individualized experiences and I don't go around telling people what to think or how to act. I'm trying to be myself and carry my load, trying to shed weight when I can. I see beauty in the darkness but don't ignore it for what it is. It's my chosen perspective. There's a difference between that and spending time connecting with people who try to smother your light
Why would I want* a friend who's mean
so now i'm all bad ?
Hello? I don't even know you and don't think anyone is really "bad". No judgment. I didn't like your meanness and choose not to be a part of it. Period
okay i'm not bad per your definition but i'm " bad vibes " ! which is actually contrary to what i get most of the time which is open and nice to be around
Everyone is multidimensional. We have all aspects within us. I have known people who have robbed or killed but still had tenderness in their heart. I understand and accept people, flaws and all. But I must limit any new negative elements to my life. I have enough shit to sort out already
We could go back and forth until the end of time, but lets just move on. I gave you the courtesy of a little closure if you want to see it that way. Otherwise its not going anywhere anyway. Keep to your friends who understand you and good luck finding more people to converse with. Maybe use this as a learning experience of what you choose to say to others, or not, your choice. I'm moving on. Thanks you and good day sir
still trying to be top dog ? i'm not trying to convince you, you're the one who would benefit from me and not me you, considering how high maintenance you are !
hope you can see your borderline personality one day, doubt it !
Whatever. Let it go
I am top dog in my realm, you're top dog in yours. Agree to disagree and save the headache
what i didn't get to say because she then blocked me from sending her any further messages :
you only make half sense !
" whatever " through the rest of your life !
this whole blocking from talking has been going on since i can remember being on the internet
where they get their final word in and then they block you so you can't respond
worse is they'll do that and then have something more to say so they'll say it and then quickly block you again
fucking phonies !
----
conversation with hillary :
Hey!
hello
I met you at the co-op?
yep, figured i would friend request you since i'm not sure i'd be back there
I stopped working there
yeah i went back a couple times and didn't see you
really like that song you commented ' made two years ago and still like this song '
Thank you!
What are you up to these days?
lol staring at this phone, the computer, and the ceiling ! how about you ?
Aww haha, just getting back from a long day in the sun and the rain
Are you still in Barre?
yep
Kewl
it's all right
Kinda bare
i admit I laughed
What do you do for fun?
soccer, playing tomorrow
but really the Internet, could spend all day on it ..
Oh no!
Not good stimulation
Lol
i find that if i don't go walking in the woods too often it's that more special when i do
Feel you
I love walking in the woods
did you really find all those stones ?
Yes!!
Someone dropped all these stones in the river I think, cuz I found a geode too
But I guess they were meant for me
that's pretty cool
I was telling my friend about you, one time I was at the co-op and you were telling your coworker that you saw a beautiful bird, she just went "uh-huh"
Hahahahaaaa
What co-worker??
the blonde one
Lol
She doesn't say much
She doesn't work there anymore either
oh, thought she was the manager or something
She's just been there since the beginning
I see
Haha
maybe you can let me know the next time you have a local show ? we could go for a hike too if you you're up for that, my cell number even though you could probably reach me here: (my number)
Cool
I'd love to
: o )
Wacha up to tonight?
gonna get some silent time in , maybe read a little
Mm lovely
nd you ?
Catching up with a friend
hi hillary, i'd like to hang out if you're up for that
i don't know much about hiking around here, if you'd like to just meet up that would be cool too
Ok yeah that sounds good, the beginning of this week is kind of busy for me
Maybe towards the end of the week?
I know of hiking spots
Or water spots
yeah let's go hiking, Wednesday Thursday Friday work for me after 1
I can pick you up too if you'd like a ride
Hey there, possibly Thursday?
message you then :o)
K
i'm gonna be working until 5 tmrw, haying stuff, still i'd like to hang out, hiking whatever
Ok cool I'll let you know
Hey there. I have some random things that I am doing tonight but we could probably meet up after you get out of work. What does your evening look like?
yeah I'm done now, I'm free the rest of the night
Would you want to meet at The Root Cellar tonight for funk music?
My friend Tracey is going too
i don't dance really
what time should i meet you there ?
Ok well maybe we could do something else?
It starts around 9 I think
We could plan for a hike with more daylight?
yeah that'd be all right
i'd like to talk and not over loud music
i'm free all weekend
Ok
Maybe Saturday during the day?
yeah :o)
Okie sounds good
hey, i should be ready in about an hour, let me know where and when i can meet you !
Could we possibly do after 12? My sister is leaving for college today and I want to hang out with her this morning before she leaves
of course, there is no rush
Okiee, where are you thinking?
i was leaving it to you
pretty hot, would not mind being somewhere cooler
you can visit the farm here
we can go for a swim if you know where to go
Oh that would be nice. And a swim would be perfect
Hey I'm sorry, I'm still hanging with my sis
no problem !
Ok I feel bad just want to make sure you know I'm not trying to blow you off
i wasn't feeling that way
Kewl
maybe i'll try you tomorrow
Sorry about that.
Would you like to take a dip this morning? Or meet for coffee?
sure let's do it
Ok Matawa?
Near the boat end?
I'll bring coffee
i don't drink coffee, but when are you going ? i'm at sweetwater right now, should be done in an hour or so
i've never been there, think i'll find it though
Ok, I could be there in an hour. Would you like my phone number?
hillary, i wish you luck ! you really need it, maybe you'll realize you have a lot to do ! why do you surround yourself with dumb people ? you have a brain but it doesn't get used because it isn't stimulated. i had a lot of fun with you, but i'm not sure why i singled out such a damaged woman, you might have gut problems and maybe an alcohol problem ? schizophrenia is a real thing and so is std ! i did have a vision of fractals while i was close to you, meant my brain was reorganizing and the only way it could show me was through fractals
you could be a good songwriter or composer, give up public performing as there's nothing there for you ! it was a learning experience for me so thanks for that !
i think you've had a hard life like me, that isn't coming from 'nowhere', you told me you were the therapist of your family and you had boyfriends who did hard drugs, so both of us need luck really because everything is against us !
i didn't want to know " hillary ", i wanted to know ' who you are really '
i liked you really while we were at the lake, you were very sweet, then at lunch you sorta changed, and when you came over you were really different, like you thought you could control me
if you think you have a std, go to the doctor to get tested, hopefully it will be treatable.. there's no point in ignoring it
hundreds of women will walk into a clinic each year around here, nothing to be embarrassed about, the whole sexual disease thing is a big problem of our generation
I think you're psychicly connected to me somehow because you know all of these things when I'm thinking them when we're not even physically in the same space
i was partly upset about you not answering and yeah i guess i should've had more patience, at the same time those things were things i was thinking
yeah i keep telling people we had a good connection
yep not easy hearing someone's truth
7/28, 6:57pm
Hillary Chase
Yeah people like to focus on their positive qualities because it is what propels then forward
Them
The world runs on love
We just have to be more aware of that
Watch your words
And the way you treat people
You might find that people will be less angry and hurt by you if you celebrate them in love and who they are as unique and beautifully complete individuals
We are all whole
In the negative and positive
But start with the positive
Develop trust
Then when they ask for your honesty that is when to give it to them
i unintentionally bring people to their boundaries
i'm continuing down this path because the other options seems worse and have their own negatives
i sometimes stare at myself or around myself in a mirror and parts of my face and body starts to blend together so that my face looks like it's blank skin surface
andrew :
luckily i was outside early this morning (1.30am) sitting on the woodpile enjoying the windless warmth and sky in complete dark and was amazed to see the three young men who i had helped the previous day with a shredded tire when they stopped on the road verge opposite my house, return with the obvious intention to burgle me !
i confronted them as they walked up the road and gave them some grief about ingratitude and they left driving back the way they came which says it all !
their number plate was false !
----
a quote by fayan
where there are no words, i forcefully speak out; where there is no dogma, i strongly uphold certain principles
pointing out defects in zen schools, i briefly explain ten matters, using words critical of specific errors to rescue an era from decadence
i though i’d do my own ten matters so here they are !
1. read quality , less than one per generation ever understands and its important to lift yourself out of the influence of your peers who will never grasp what it is about !
2. dia kensho needs to have occurred as a child, been lost and recovered again in adulthood
3. you will be constantly faced with people claiming genuine knowledge and experiences which are in fact tangential and deeply misguided !
4. it is too difficult and indeed a quite contrary direction for non-celibates and family people !
5. women are just as able, if not more in developing understanding
6. solitary contemplation time is essential and needed in large amounts !
7. neither buddha, jesus or muhammad were historical figures, but poorly drawn imaginary figures . . take heed !
8. translation never captures the subtlety and depth of the original text and some sources like eihei dogen are so cross referencing of long lost allusions that the meaning is almost lost forever
9. it is well worth the effort to familiarize yourself with the voynich manuscript !
10. we do not take easily to the notion we are wrong so its very important not to make uncorrected mistakes, otherwise they get locked in forever rending any further attempts at progress futile !
----
i think women expect to find men easy meat and they can be very disconcerted to find someone who understands how they work !
grandmother's fireplace
chimney black with a room filled with grey after years of lighting fires there
maybe a dim light on to keep the night away
a couple chairs in front of the fire somewhere with a bench to the side
i would entertain myself by going to the bathroom and plucking two or three feet of toilet paper
after some rounds my mother said " stop that you're wasting it "
my poor and bored grandmother didn't seem to mind
after years of sitting around this fireplace
with not much
going
on
i don't go out very much, so when i do it's usually interesting !
" we are just monsters ! " that's what other people would say
i've actually told my story to a lot of people, they usually respond with thinking i'm a nutcase which isn't completely false
i told that story to my 8th grade science teacher who also taught psychology to older classes, he laughed out loud when i told it but he definitely thought i would grow up to be a murderer or something cuz the story stuck with him until i graduated and i bet he hasn't forgotten !
you're probably always pulling some sun tzu art of war shit on me !
so basically i could go all four years in the military without a kitchen and it's highly likely actually
the guy was such a salesman, fast talking, i was in the power seat though
opened up charles bukowski's stories about trying to be drafted
he gave so much away of what he was doing he even said out loud that most of what he does is non-verbal and referred to himself as sales like 5 times
he made a mistake of saying i could get a kitchenette when i was referring to it as a kitchen, when i was leaving he was trying to say something about bachelor's degree and accidentally said bachelorette , he was upset that he couldn't persuade me about the food situation !
i don't think in terms of most, best, favorite !
from sent
A saying is is to "let them tell you no, until then, go with it"
she was telling me about a " rebound " she had and how even after telling him the relationship was over he was trying to get her to go to dinner with him and really it was what happened after dinner that he really wanted !
i told her he must be an ass to treat you like that, she said " no, no he's good really ! "
she spends her money like mad on stupid clothes and things like that
she was done telling me about the messed up relationships she had recently and i didn't respond for several minutes and she responded with " are we done talking for another year now ? "
instead of screaming " no ", why not explore the possibilities ?
i'm going to assume yes ( asked her if she had stomach problems ) considering you're predisposed to having stomach problems, what else is i really think you have a bipolar disorder if not borderline personality disorder
i think you'll do the usual of just ignoring what you don't want to hear and keep damaging yourself
ng:
Hahahahahah ur fucking kidding me
This is why I do not answer
But actually I didn't answer because I didn't feel like it I'm w my family I never get to see them so texting about stomache aches is not my main priority
No need for those types of comments though that's too much
Jason Da Fonte:
it’s called irritable bowel syndrome
IBS
ng:
Dude fucking chill I don't have ibs and why in the world does it matter if I did u are the bizarre one here
Jason Da Fonte:
i’m really not that excited you seem to be tho
why does a serious health problem matter ?
ng:
I handle bipolar and people with severe personality disorders every day it's not just something u throw around and it's rude to tell someone that haha ( she works for an insurance company )
I don't have any health problems lmao
It's just a weird ass conversation
You can either change subjects or Im over this
Jason Da Fonte:
it’s weird to someone who thinks they’re so ‘ similar ‘ to their high school classmates, run away like i said ! you can take it as rude, i’m saying it as an observation .. known you long enough to see how bipolar/BPD you can be
seeing the way you eat it’s not far to call ibs
ng:
Hahah omg
The way I eat ?
Jason Da Fonte:
yeah, “ you are what you eat “
ng:
Lol fuck u goodbye
an unhealthy relationship, glad to have it off my back !
while at tassajara i thought " if i could make it in ny, i could make it anywhere ! "
now i'm thinking, why would i want to make it in ny ?
i was walking back to my car through a wooded trail after being down at the bay
some people decided to follow me through a sort of hidden trail down at the water and so i was sort of sick of seeing people
well through this wooded trail as i rounded a corner i noticed two people, one of them was holding a camera and pointing it up at the trees so i thought she was taking bird photos or something
so i put my head down for a second and then look up and i notice she's now pointed it at me and took a photo, she took another as i smiled
i walked past and looked at her, a young girl of maybe 15 or 16, smiled and she was so shy i would have to assume she was autistic
i hope our glance at each other said we were both okay with the photo, i wish i asked for her to send them to me !
i ate grains, wheat flour, a bit of sugar, and some poor quality chicken over the holidays
my aunt says she never eats this sort of thing and was getting acid reflux, i noticed i was burping up some nasty stuff too
getting gas all around which doesn't happen much at all when i'm eating under my own direction
i was tested to be in "special education" when i was in elementary school at 7 years old, i guess my teacher thought i had a learning disability
one of the tests that was done on me was looking at an image and giving a synonym for that image
for example the only one i seemed to struggle with was when i was shown a plane and it took me a minute to say jet
i think i did so well that the special education teacher seemed to avoid me after that, she promised me a prize for taking the test and it took her the whole year to give it to me as i pestered her almost every time i saw her !
andrew :
one needs to get out in natural scenery to remain sane !
Õ†Õ¡ÕµÕ«Ö€Õ« Õ„Õ¥Õ¬Ö„Õ¸Õ¶ÕµÕ¡Õ¶ accepted your request.
Wish I could stab you, brotha
ReplyDeleteBut insults would be like compliments instead
Your last pulse poem was very good. The structure helps facilitate the spark.
ReplyDelete