stupidity runs the world
people have motives for what they do and say
to figure out their motive is the tricky part
people
they want to drink their beer
smoke their pot - in secret
build their houses
start a family
and on occasion they'll put on sunblock
and go to the beach
people
they want to drink their beer
smoke their pot
in secret
build their houses
start a family
and on occasion they'll put on sunblock
and go to the beach
you're born with genius, it's not bred in school !
i've won and i've lost
" is there something wrong ? "
i wish i could pin it down to one thing
the day at the cambridge zen center was a decent one
the almost three hour meditation in the morning was actually enjoyable because every thirty minutes we would get up to walk around, and also the time of the meditation was long enough that i was pretty much half asleep by the end, during the last walking meditation i kept my eyes closed for most of the time but i didn't bump into anything !
i was walking in front of this older asian lady, who had a full robe on but was very fit for her age ! i thought about how this lady must've caused trouble for a lot of men at the center
there was another woman too there who was younger, having women around was definitely a distraction
after my interview and tour of the building i went out to lunch where there were a lot of young people walking around as MIT and harvard aren't far away
went back to have an informal tea with barry briggs, he did the average zen master thing of talking very slowly and with an air of importance, there was a young five year old girl next to me and we were dying of boredom !
there was a wooden plaque of the ten oxherding pictures and i asked him to explain it to me, he gave a sort of practical explanation which i appreciated
after that i went to this clothes store down the road, it was unique looking and the owner was from the town over from where i grew up on long island, i probably shouldn't have bought anything but it was a second hand store and i saw a robe which i've been wanting
went back, there was a ' zen for millenials ' meeting, i thought it was going to be some sort of dating circle, which maybe it was a bit, i was pretty content with the meeting as the young guy running it was open to discussion and i shared some of my thoughts, when i was speaking people seemed to be listening for the most part anyway
listening but still rigid in their own thinking and not wanting to take anything from what i said
one girl taking about how the world runs on love, i told her the world isn't fairies and unicorns
another guy saying he follows his breath and still has a lot of anxiety, i told him i do shikantaza and take care of myself health wise
both weren't listening enough to try something different and there's nothing wrong with that, let them burn !
so i accidentally skipped my turn during the actual meditation when i didn't realize it was my turn to go up and sit on the mat
after the meditation was done i told the guy who was handling the clappers that and so he went into the interview room and got her to wait for me
she rang the bell, i walked in it was a new looking room with little furniture in it, it reminded me of the zen center i went to several times on long island
i told her my knee was hurting and she said how her's was as well and she told me to use a cushion under it but i basically just moved around while i was sitting to whatever position
so we both looked at eachother, her expecting to do the regular interview thing and me not wanting to do that, maybe she picked up on that because when she asked how she could help me, i replied to the effect of " nothing was wrong, i just wanted to meet her " as this was the lady i was speaking to through email
then she started telling me personal stories, about how she helped her nephew go through a rough time when he was at college and his father suddenly passed away with stage four cancer, he was going through mental illnesses, not going to class, eating badly etc.
she said she never tells people that story and i told her that something similar happened to me, but i didn't have a family member to bail me out but i had to figure it out on my own
she told me about how she had this " teacher " for 22 years who was very charismatic but ultimately controlling as she wouldn't let her go on retreats that she didn't approve of, she said eventually she had enough and ended up at CZC and had been there for 13 yearsoo
she ended up liking me so much that she gave me a personal tour of the building, something she said doesn't happen, and even emailed me this an hour after meeting her while i was out to lunch
i thought it was the best interview because we didn't talk about silly things, she shared her wisdom that she had gained through her years
i guess the difference between imposing your viewpoint and sharing your viewpoint is with the second option if people don't take something away from it, oh well !
i've had a couple friends contacting me and wanting to " hang out " after subsequently breaking up with their boyfriends
i was thinking though back when i was in college i was friends with this girl who had a boyfriend for most of the time i knew her
she broke up with him at some point and of course she then tried to start things with me
luckily i had sense back then too, enough to sit her down and tell her we were just friends and it wasn't healthy to do that sort of thing
idk what it is about me that women think they can use me this way
i think it's a mix of me being too nice and too damaged to be in an actual relationship with
There is always beauty in this world, even when the most terrible events happen – look around and you will see it. This world is the world of opposites, so even in the ugly there is also beauty. When I was 22 I worked in the West Bank, one day there was a protest and it became violent. The police started firing rubber bullets and tear gas. When you are caught in something like this – you don’t know if the police are shooting real bullets or rubber ones. So people where running and hiding – also because the tear gas hurts so much if inhaled... Anyways I hid behind a car. Laid flat on my back. The tear gas and smoke was think above me and the sounds of screaming and firing rang through my body, it was like an abstract film, terrifying and surreal. As I laid not knowing my fate, I open my eyes to the Sun beams breaking through the tear gas and the light dancing with smoke. It was beautiful – like the mist rising from the river here in the mornings. Anyway I made it out not hurt – or maybe I did died but life just carried on 
😂 My point being – no matter how dark life events get, beauty is hear supporting that - it's the other side of the coin – but your freedom is never found in the beauty or the ugliness but in the sense of being alive and this is the love you seek in beauty ... Lots of love Lisa
😂 My point being – no matter how dark life events get, beauty is hear supporting that - it's the other side of the coin – but your freedom is never found in the beauty or the ugliness but in the sense of being alive and this is the love you seek in beauty ... Lots of love Lisa
P.S I didn’t get this corrected – so there are more than likely spelling and punctuation mistakes 
😁
😘
😁😘me :
the other day it decided to snow throughout the night in central massachusetts, about 5 inches of snow or so, the following morning and day it was about 40 degrees so the snow turned into that kind where it freezes throughout the top and is hard enough that you just break it when you walk on it
the day was going really badly for me, a sort of extreme lull followed by my car breaking down in the afternoon, so i wasn’t able to do my chores at the farm on the other side of town, i was ready to give up and go back to my home state of new york cuz with my car breaking down, the holes in the barn i live in where the single digit temperatures get in, and a friend of mine treating me somewhat badly things weren't so hot
then the full moon showed itself in the middle of the sunset, the yellow moon behind, and sort of with, the orange, purple and yellow changing sunset
it cheered me up but not completely, then my car started working again and i still wasn’t completely pleased
11pm came around and i was tossing and turning in bed, i got up to look out the window and the landscape was bright with the whiteness of the moon reflecting off the gleaming tough snow
i went outside in my usual winter garb which consists of about 5 layers top and bottom, the air was warm and it came from the wind, warm enough that some drops of water dripped down form the barn roof
i walked around and eventually decided to lay down right on the snow.. above the full moon was almost completely round looking, there were still many stars that i didn’t expect with the bright moon but they shined bright as well
i laid there for about a half hour, maybe more, where the warm breeze passed through the bare and sparse trees, and on my face as well, the snow didn’t melt through my clothes much as it was pretty frozen and smooth, the moon’s rays, stars, and gentle warm winter breeze gave me something to work with for the time being
women like to glamorize their face and their life !
why help people when it's hardly ever reciprocated ?
early full moon
andrew:
true celibacy is when you look at a woman and think “ what a burden ”
often the best thing to say is nothing at all !
the celibate viewpoint is pretty much obvious to me with fernando pessoa, there's a real intensity there
maybe with my own soul being brighter it only intensifies other bright souls
i don't follow the mainstream, or even the substream
i set fire with every step !
i set fire with every word !
i asked my mother where rain came from
she said it was " god crying "
i asked my teacher a couple years after if that was true, she said " no "
i see now more to my mother's answer
i begin to resent anyone i spend too much time with
even sometimes myself ?
i've always had flying dreams, lately i've had dreams where i'm in a plane that crashes because it's faced with something very tall like trees or buildings and can't fly above them
this last one i was both a passenger and pilot, as i was piloting we end up in a forest dodging trees, i manage to pull up just so that we fly above to safety
i love, but not in that way (marriage) !
read the bible, i'll read fernando pessoa instead !
i feel a bit embarrassed sharing my writing and photos on facebook, instagram, snapchat
thing is i don't do it for them, i do it for me
i hadn't been taking tyromix the last few days as much, decided to put 8 drops as i was drinking the last of my heavy cream with fruit, 30 mins later my cheeks flared right up !
i'm full of doubt, when i'm told i'm a first rate writer i don't believe it !
andrew wants me write about fernando pessoa
i thought about comparing him with margery kempe who i just finished reading
too much effort i think
well he's a true celibate, i am 70 pages into his " book of disquiet " and hardly a mention of female ! so that's really awesome as i can't think of many celibate authors i've read in the last year(s?)
stanislaw lem, charles bukowski, margery kempe, john kennedy toole, goethe
maybe celibate in a certain way but not in the way i'm thinking atm
maybe andrew doesn't even stand up to this celibacy !
he's a fantastic writer, effortless, just writing .. truly shikantaza
so i'll continue reading, maybe i'll come up with more, or not
another documentary of the hermitess agafia
if i lived in russia i might help her, not forever though !
makes my living situation look easy, electric heater, computer, stove, not walking out of the house into tick infested grass !
women can be oh-so deceitful !
scream in my head
imagine throwing the table
no point in physically exerting myself
youtube might as well be my new substitute for TV, it's mostly for entertainment and so i should really cut down
the problem i have with most people is that they don't show respect
Solitude devastates me; company oppresses me. The presence of another person derails my thoughts; I dream of the other’s presence with a strange absent-mindedness that no amount of my analytical scrutiny can define.
andrew :
i suppose celibacy is a form of promiscuity since it represents a lot of potential relationships discarded !
me :
i was thinking about the times i’ve been so close with women but never got too close that a relationship was formed
they think they can get something out of me but i'm just damaged goods
" Alright hopefully you'll be back soon
Don't forget to tell me you're home "
" I really did want to see you
If you ever want to come to philly though, I would be happy to see yah and show yah around
Otherwise I'll be back for the holidays and we can hang
Would love to pick your brain "
the reality is that both of these things won't happen
when i was young i'd make up worlds when i was in bed for the night and restless
i'd do this by throwing the covers over my head and then seeing all the crevaces and folds i'd pretend there were people or creatures living in them or climbing around, whatever came to mind
i'd be able to see because i slept with a light on
when the side of my head rested on the pillow i'd hear my heartbeat and maybe even bloodflow, i'd imagine there were ants working in there
" you know $10/hr isn't very much ? "
yeah
maybe a year ago i was soccer training some 11 years olds or about that age anyway
i was telling them about this book i was reading and one of them seemed to get very offended
he said " yeah, so ?! "
clearly upset about his own lack of reading !
even the children give me their sour side !
well i think relationship, i think marriage
i think marriage, i think kids
i think kids, i think no more me !
---
when people have kids it's like they stop living, or they live through their kids
girl with a pearl earring
johannes vermeer
i caught the virus that's been going around for a second time 12/2/2016
it took this second time to realize how exhausted i am after a long summer
i was walking around the alpaca barn carrying a water bucket and my arms were so stiff !
to think i was about to try to go the gym to work out !
and also i was this close to taking a steroid, 11 keto dht
crazy crazy crazy
brain scans of marijuana users
absolutely terrifying
i was sitting on a stump looking out to the bay
i just started singing, think i made up some song but it sounded nice
i let andrew do most of the talking on r/zen
less trauma for me and still a good amount of insight !
followed a deer trail at the park
i got a glimpse into my dia kensho experience as a child
how much i took away from that
i went to a rich person's restaurant the other afternoon
i felt so out of place, lots of snobbing
---
rich people are boring !
" i never really thought of that before "
" who's that guy from 'californiacation' ?
charles bukowski
" yeah, you're gonna be like him ! "
spitting insanities
i think they're sanities
" would love to pick your brain "
my brain is on my blog
i was walking around late at night and a couple, maybe seniors in highschool were just stopping in front of a house as i was passing
i heard them arguing from a distance and when i got close i heard her say in a pretty loud voice " i didn't text you because i was sleeping ! " the guy mumbled something back
i saw how she was being dishonest and just whipping this guy around
my brother helped his old soccer college teammate get a job at a club where my brother is a board director and coach
the guy was assigned " director of coaches "
so now my brother says his old teammate is trying to cut his pay by +20% and get him to taxes on top
i think i learned recently not to help people too much
i was wondering why the room that i grew up in at my father's house makes my emf meter go wild
well all the wires from the electric post go to the corner of the roof where the room is at !
my insanity is that i don't join in on other people's insanity
found my first journal from when i was 9 :
i had a dream once on a field trip and our bus broke down. and my house was closest, it was night.
the girl i like wanted to sleep in my bed because it's so huge and she said she moved around a lot. i let her sleep in my bed while i slept on the floor, which i hated.
by the time i woke up (still in dream) she was on the floor. i woke up in real world and i was on the floor.
---
last night i had a dream that the girl i have a crush on shot me with a mini machine gun
at 22 : one of those dreams is definitely made up, or both
---
i'm in school and i just lost the spelling game
---
i read that kusan sunim helped his friend go into the afterlife, this was around my mother's passing
now i'm not sure i believe in any after life but i wasn't going to rule it out at that time
well kusan spent days alone in a hut i think trying to help his friend to the other side
in a sense i did that too as i didn't leave my room during the time
so i thought about her a lot, gone, maybe somewhere
i had a terrible dream either before this or after that i was in some sort of asylum looking place where all this insane stuff was happening, and in one part of the dream my mother was laid on a table bleeding and yelling for help
so i spent nights trying to help her pass even if it didn't mean anything
one night if there were such a thing it happened, i saw her in a white background and i told her to go on, she was smiling and laughing
after that things seemed to calm down in my mind
when i was in my very young teens i was hanging out with some school friends at the park when i couple of older guys were walking past on the other side of the street, i jeered at them and they came over
they were drunk and carrying cans which i noticed as they were crossing the street, this was in the middle of the afternoon !
so they come over start acting very aggressively and eventually push one of my friends back so that he stumbles over his bike, i felt like stepping in and so i pushed the other guy back who was clearly bigger than me
he got angry but i just averted my gaze and sort of stood there, he decided to spit in my face but as long as he didn't fight me i was fine with that !
the three of them crossed the street and disappeared down the railroad tracks
" nice guys always finish last "
i'm nice, and do i ever win ?
absolutely not
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