donkey gif


























as a baby i was spoken to in portuguese

later forced to speak english

mastering neither

lost somewhere

in

between

like a mute

i speak in other ways



























Vincent Van Gogh

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever came to sit by it. Passers-by see only a wisp of smoke from the chimney and continue on their way. 

I experience a period of frightening clarity in those moments when nature is so beautiful. I am no longer sure of myself, and the paintings appear as in a dream. 

(explaining a fugue state)
















a drug dealer only a couple years older than me calls me

he sounds disheveled and high, he says he needs money for a car rental, he says we have a good rapport and thought he would call me

i don't think i'll ever get the money back and i'm low on cash anyways so i tell him i'll get back to him

three days later i hear he's dead from overdose

if i had given him the money, would he have died still ? maybe not three days later, maybe the next day or maybe next year, i don't know

---------------------------------------------------------------

you're supposed to remember good stories about people when they die but my prominent memory of him isn't the best

when i was 12 or so i was walking back home with some friends from the park, a neighbor down the road is out shooting BB guns with this drug dealer and the drug dealer really wants to shoot me, he had some natural dislike for me

my neighbor says " no he's cool, let him go "

that whole friend group of his is sort of fucked up, another one overdosed two years ago

i message a friend telling him i respect him for never getting into drugs, he messages me back saying he's thankful none of our friends ever fell " too far off the boat " when doing drugs

he's mostly right but i do have a friend who has gotten into hard drugs, he looks like shit, but he got an attorney job recently after graduating law school and i hope it can distract him from the drugs

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm wondering if i should send my friend's sister a message as she was part of this druggie friend group, luckily her mother sent her to rehab a while ago

maybe a quick message, if i feel like it does anything besides being sentimental pap




























this was an especially good video of yours, i really liked seeing those guys chip away at the brick to get to the hidden monuments something special about that































waking up this morning i have a couple ideas to make into art

i think they're not that good and don't write them down

well now i've forgotten a couple ideas that are better than nothing


















































ultra sane

comically insane



or



ultra sane, comically insane


-------

and i like andrew's addition




ultra sane

comically insane

the world a fake

a real

a laugh

a cry

ordered

a mess

let the earth

touch

the sky























growing up i was always scared of losing my mother

then it happened






















emil cioran

I find in myself as much evil as in anyone, but detesting action — mother of all vices — I am the cause of no one's suffering.























itchyboots stays in a town in a syncline, looks like a pleasant place



























i'm trying to recreate a vision i wrote about a little while ago, where i saw her (my mother) changing age in a white sort of light

"Paint 3D" is limited though, i'd like to find a better 3D software






























last night i had a dream where my mother stood in the hallway directing me or something, as mothers do, and then i gained some lucidity and i held her and cried and she said something like " tomorrow, you .. "

and i understood it that i need to get my life in order, and i didn't understand that she wasn't real and she wouldn't be there tomorrow

so i woke up with morning and did a lot of 'studying', quotes of emil cioran, paintings of max ernst, some health articles, read salazar's wikipedia page and finding out he was unmarried with no children , no surprise he could be such a devoted dictator

it's my mother's birthday march 10th and it's a tough time where i just want to forget everything and not go through the trauma

it's been six years since her death

yes it's been a traumatic morning
















a couple of interesting articles

dolphins being transported by the U.S. army to do training missions, we're copying the russians but it's a good idea

elon musk criticizing the "macho men fight pilot " u.s airforce attitude by not investing more into drone technology !















































a good poem by ōtomo no yakamochi

"A poem expressing the feelings of a guard upon the frontier"

My great lord

Gave a dread command:

So I parted from my wife,

Though filled with sadness;

And with a strong man’s

Heart steeled myself –

That’s what I showed –

And when I left my gate,

O’er flowing with love,

My mother stroked my hair;

And, as young grass,

My wife held me close;

“For you to be in peace,

Will I pray,

And safely,

Quickly return to me,” she said,

Her sleeves

Wiping away her tears;

Swallowing sobs

As she spoke;

So, like a flock of birds,

I could not leave

And did delay –

Always looking back –

Oh, how far

Behind have I left my land;

Oh, how high

The mountains I have passed;

Scattered with reeds

To Naniwa I come, where

On the evening tide

Floats my ship;

Where in the morning calm

We will turn out the prow and row;

Waiting quietly,

While I am here,

The spring haze

Around the islands rises and

The calls of the cranes

Sound sadly;

When my distant

Home I recall,

My bow case

Rustling on my back,

How I do grieve

sometimes i have dreams that give a feeling, it's not all visual

it probably happens to most people where you have these dreams that when you wake up you know are sort of different

well i was walking around the house the other day and this feeling from this dream just hit me, i must've had the dream at least ten years ago, maybe eight

i remembered some scenes from the dream, but i'm writing this a day later and it's already pretty much forgotten





































good info about tech in electrical

i was at a house and they wanted internet connected light switches

the old electrician didn't know much about installing those




























anne sexton quotes and a couple poems :

Watch out for love

(unless it is true,

and every part of you says yes including the toes) ,

it will wrap you up like a mummy,

and your scream won't be heard

and none of your running will end.

Love? Be it man. Be it woman.

It must be a wave you want to glide in on,

give your body to it, give your laugh to it,

give, when the gravelly sand takes you,

your tears to the land. To love another is something

like prayer and can't be planned, you just fall

into its arms because your belief undoes your disbelief.

I’d won the world

but like a

forsaken explorer,

I’d lost

my map.

As it has been said:

Love and a cough

cannot be concealed.

Even a small cough.

Even a small love.

I am, to be sure, afraid that if you knew me that you wouldn’t love me. But this must be faced…I fear it in any relationship. Thus I am perhaps afraid to reveal facts about things…or to say too much for fear if I make too much noise you’ll drift away, pull down the shade of your ivory tower…and after that. Afraid, I guess, that I’ll loose you…I keep losing people.

You say I resemble a flower; I partly agree; My brain is governed by black petals of burnt daisies

She married the prince

and all went well

except for the fear —

the fear of sleep.

Briar Rose

was an insomniac...

She could not nap

or lie in sleep

without the court chemist

mixing her some knock-out drops

and never in the prince's presence.

If someone burns out your eye

I will take your socket

and use it for an ashtray.

The boys and girls are one tonight.

They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.

They take off shoes. They turn off the light.

The glimmering creatures are full of lies.

They are eating each other. They are overfed.

At night, alone, I marry the bed.

I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.

halsey is ok, and so is melanie martinez

but anne sexton is on a higher level, she could write about love























one time i asked a female friend of her boyfriend  " do you really like him ? "

she said " no "

they're still together three years later














































xyz has called me an android for asking her what love is and my explanation that relationships are really about future children

i explain that it's better to just curb emotions as a guy

xyz's ex went into the stream the other day and said his day was a " emotional roller coaster ", he also explained how he is going to get a "3 bedroom apartment, one room for her streaming, one for his streaming, and one as their bedroom "

cut me a break ! it might happen but cut me a break

i wanted to give him the advice to keep the "emotional roller coaster" comments to himself, but as he is against me these days i'll keep it to myself






































what really clicked for me today is realizing that going to a scenic place on my own and doing my own sort of retreat would be better than going to someone else's

for example i could go up to springwater new york and rent a place around, and then i don't have to deal with the people at the center

i've known this for a while, but it clicked today




































arriving at the beach i'm not feeling too well, there are a lot of beach goers for the middle of february but it's an uncommonly nice day of almost 50 degrees farenheit

anyway i walk on the sand to the water and once i get to the ocean there's a breeze that seems to wash my worries away

i keep walking along the water, the smell of the ocean brings good memories

at first it seems like there's a lot of crazy people walking along the water, i wonder if the sane people are walking on the boardwalk 100 yards away

i walk for 45 minutes and turn around, i now notice couples dressed nicely

my shoulder isn't feeling well so i decide to pack it up after an hour and a half total, just not enough time for a "fogue" state

walking back i think i just want to stay longer !



video with sound




































it's pretty simple if you want a better life

don't drink or do drugs

i'm no saint but i know it's the truth

























seems like a nice place to live

it's just the language barrier, but who knows maybe i'll retire there

well maybe not the best place to retire, is it very steep in most part

drone footage
































when i think about writing a book

i can't even think of what it would be about, what the hell could i write 50 pages about

 i'm sort of stuck writing shorter stories, or poems, and they have a common theme

it's often personal and a reflection of what i see every day

lately i'm busy, but i still think about my blog






















one of the most depressing things about depression is you can't really think straight


































i'm installing 40 lights into an expensive home

in the front hallway they're going to have a large painting on display

anyway, i'm going to use red lasers to measure

i was using a laser level at home and accidentally caught the laser in my eye and i think it did a bit of damage

i have a pair of laser blocking glasses but i'm not sure i'll be able to wear them at work




































i think nostalgia can be used positively

to use the nostalgic energy but make something new





























it would make sense that i took this picture

so i wonder what is she thinking ?






























a fleeting moment

a century in one second

























my christmas card

i couldn't afford any gifts this year, not for myself either















bringing my laundry up and around the corner i hear my father dry cough

he's been going out a lot and i ask, " are you sick ? "

he says " a little bit "

at my closet i drop the laundry and i hock up some phlegm and spit it into the toilet

in the shower i'm drying myself up after a shower the soap dish filled with water gets a ping of water from above

reminded of my mother i have a vision of herself transforming into various ages, she's in light and white, she gives me a hug from behind and skips away happily

of course it made me emotional

sometimes i'll think out loud in portuguese

when i'm thinking about portugal

here's a tip/homily

don't have so many toxic friends

they're exhausting

they only fuel a toxic fire


















































i'm not too happy with the quality of the GIF in the middle, have to get higher quality next time










































lisa cairns has started two offer two one-on-one sessions, one being the more free form version we did





















what i think people might fail to realize about me is that i'm both intelligent and dumb

usually people just pick one

















we're all institutionalized

institutionalized by the school system

FROM NOTIFICATIONS

Justin Kardish

Rising Star · 6 hrs

Are there any text written by Bodhidharma himself?

22

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  Geoffrey Zhang There are six works attributed to Bodhidharma known as the “Six Gates of the Shaoshi Mountain” with Shaoshi being a Mountain in the Shaolin ranges. Of these the “Two Practices and For Entrances” is the earliest text likely recorded by Bodhidharma’s dis…See More

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  Jason Andrezo Dafonte bodhidharma may have never existed

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    Jason Andrezo Dafonte and basically anything 'written' by him is just lost to age and translation at this point

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    Berry Crawford There are contemporaneous accounts of a monk named Bodhidharma being really impressed with the temples in a Chinese city

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    Meido Moore Lots of legends about him that are questionable of course, but little doubt that he existed. His burial site was long known, and recently has been "rediscovered" and renovated for pilgrims: https://youtu.be/FqoogtRtkP0

    

    YOUTUBE.COM

    Bodhidharma's Rebirth

    Bodhidharma's Rebirth

    
    

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    Jason Andrezo Dafonte Meido Moore what about jesus ? any doubt of his existence ?

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    Meido Moore AFAIK, current scholarly consensus regarding Jesus' historicity is that it may be confidently affirmed. But I'm not up to date at all in the field of Jesus studies. How is this relevant to the question of Bodhidharma?

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    Jason Andrezo Dafonte Meido Moore it's not far off if you consider they're two religious figures who supposedly lived long ago, only existing in second hand stories which were often times written very much after either of them existed
    
    there are scholars questioning the historicity of jesus, there's a lot of info on it online
    
    i've even heard that the only patriarch to have ever really lived was huineng, and you know there are questions about the mummified body that's supposed to be him
    
    "little doubt that he existed" little doubt by you, but there is doubt actually

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a good car to me is one that lasts a long time

































i walk different, and i sound different

is that why everyone seems to notice me when i walk through the supermarket ?


















you know how you know horoscopes are bullshit ? cuz you check one source and it says one thing and then you check another and it says something completely different



































2016, good times in massachusetts

























nice photographs but some parts would've been better with video

i'm not going to comment this on the video because why should i give advice ?







































it's good that i'm not naturally good at video games because if i were i'd be playing them all the time

yes it feels good to be at the top even if it's a fantasy world





























my family pisses me off sometimes

i piss of my family sometimes too


































jon gave me his number last year or so, i didn't write it down and i regret it

i always do that, someone will try to give me their contact information and i just don't keep it, it's one of my biggest flaws

so if you're reading this jon, get in contact with me !





















replying to an old coworker joking and asking who wants my blood


oooh the amount of people who want my blood is unreal


----------------------


i donated blood yesterday, it's the 12th donation since i first donated about 5 years ago

O- so my blood can be used for anyone, but if i were to need blood then i exclusively take O-

they always ask me if i will do a double red cell donation instead of whole blood, i always say no because that form messed me up some

















pretty gross

no one would doubt the car owner has been using drugs for a while






























figured out it's an easy fix to replace the pull-switch in my fan, saved some money on an electrician

i also went over on my bank account accidentally, i was charged $35 overdraft fees, yikes !

what i did was call my bank, say that it was a mistake on their end that i didn't approve, it's almost always refunded and that overdraft fee will go away !

so i saved so me money there too

in the streamer world people will sometimes donate thousands of dollars over the year to a streamer, let's say the streamer does something to upset the donator, the donator will call their bank and say their was a mistake, bam refunded !

the causes problems for the streamer, but it's just something they have to deal with !






















crap, i thought of posting something here earlier and i forgot !

i just have to write it down right away



























" she fucks people for clout "

so do billions of other women





































i was going to message ice poseidon on twitter

ice is struggling now with 500 viewers .. yeah he was getting about 30,000 last year

ice is a big fan of lil uzi vert .. i was going to message him on twitter pointing out that lil uzi vert doesn't make music anymore, that the drugs and the girls caught up to him

well i didn't message him because i'm taking my own advice not giving unsolicited advice

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i've done some drugs too, not hard drugs like ice and lil uzi have .. but what i think has let me survive is not having a girlfriend, which they both had

even worse for them their girlfriends were toxic
































i'm way more cautious giving unsolicited advice now

why empower my enemies ?
































a pretty quality youtube channel for authentic mexican cooking

unfortunately it's all in spanish, fortunately i speak spanish

some people are rich in their own right, this lady says she is very happy on her ranch with her eight children

grown men playing and coaching sports

they don't realize they are games designed for children