another tidal wave of depression ?
potatoes, rice, and wheat, the trifecta of impaired thinking
late 2014/ early 2015
snowing
sleeping
afternoon
went to go play soccer the other night, i'm not very good, but at around this point i had a good series of passes with my teammates
my coworker:
" people are like trees, you know, when they're young you can fix them so they can grow up straight, when they're old it's too late "
the only way i ever understood geometry was by looking at things in real time
documentary concerning john kennedy toole
sepehr you should consider reading through the 7thzenpatriarch comments, imo andrew was not, as you were saying about yourself, "always appreciating my comments"
for a whole two years he was telling you to leave
andrew replying to sepehr:
sepehr, the notion of "death" requires a belief or context of the world continuing, from the viewpoint of infinity that is just an illusion of a series of coincidences !
to block out noise i've gone through some phases, when i was younger i played the TV pretty loud, in my teens i listened to a lot of music, and now i have noise cancelling headphones or earbuds in a good amount of the time i'm home
"what happens with a lack of deconstruction and rebuilding is also scary ! : o) "
my reply:
pretty scary, not being in control of anything in your life, or rather not seeing it unfold
yeah i knew greg fain was full of shit the moment i met him, i wondered what the fuck he was doing as the head meditation person, and when i saw his wife i really wondered how he juggled the two, he doesn't ! not in a real sense any way
you just can't see your own behavior until you move past it
i had a tortilla and rice yesterday, confirms my suspicions that wheat really affects my thinking
mother teresa's nobel prize acceptance speech
i have fixed feelings about the future
because it seems like life is a series of failures
because it seems like life is a series of failures
her speech looked like bullshit to me !
ReplyDeleteyeah i wasn't so happy with it
Delete""
ReplyDeletesepehr you should consider reading through the 7thzenpatriarch comments, imo andrew was not, as you were saying about yourself, "always appreciating my comments"
for a whole two years he was telling you to leave""
---
I read all of the posts in 2013, and what you're saying is nonsense. We had very few, if any, arguments then.
Andrew was right, my mind was more serene and Zen-like in 2013, but then around the middle of 2014, things went to shit after I did a lame job.
Also, you should read Andr3ew's Ultimate Reality Blog if you want to see all of Zakaj and my conversations with Andrew.
i've read through all the comments on both blogs, i'll look through again later and see if i'm wrong or not
Deletei can't tonight
Deletehttp://7thzenpatriarch.blogspot.com/2013/09/blog-post_23.html?m=0#comment-form
Deletethere's disagreement right in those comments, September 2013, and there were other examples before this but im at work right now
you are not banned but not really welcome to post with your present attitude............
Deletewe do not agree and in terms of what i post about you are at the very beginning stages and yet will not listen in an investigative way to what is being discussed !"
I already saw that. Look at it in context of the other posts. We only had 1 or 2 minor disagreements.
DeleteDo you have to be a clone of your teacher to make any real progress? The fundamental tenets of Andr3ew's teachings are these: 1) be your own voice, don't parrot others or copy-paste terse text 2) get daily solitude in natural scenery 3) celibacy is superior 4) get contemplative meditative time, Shikantaza being best for it has no reference point 5) write poetry based off one's own experience rather than interpretation 6) watch or read quality high art from the likes of Tarkovsky, Emily Dickinson, Wang Wei, Bukowski, etc.
The importance is to realize Andr3ew is more on the creative side compared to Meiji-era Zen. He, convincingly, argues that one is best off placing more emphasis on solitude in natural scenery and the poetic words that flow from Infinity.
I agree with those. However, I disagree with some of his more minor points, which I don't feel like getting into.
I am taking a hiatus from this path because of life circumstances and priorities, but I will stop respond when allegations are made on the content of my character. I am not the kind of person to conceal my intentions or whatnot, unlike Zakaj who I always felt never really expressed his true feelings.
Ciao signore
DeleteI forgot to add 2 more important points : 7) it takes a lifetime to sort out kensho and everything is always insufficient, life is continual refinement 8) nutrition and diet are immensely important, research and experiment a lot yourself while taking research into account
Deleteyeah, i'll go now , lol. I wish there was an edit function
this was a big hit:
Delete"yeah look, are you so smart? emotional intelligence is perhaps more important in a life sense than intellectual , you are just tangenting at some of the things i am saying and so as aconsequence going around and around in circles ! "
i think a lot about 'emotional intelligence' because of that criticism
Yeah, emotional intelligence something you always have to refine and work on. Solitude and shikantaza (in a comfy chair preferably with red light before bed) help a lot.
DeleteThere are "lots of details" in psyche.
but i do meditation and you don't, so why are you trying to teach me ?
Deletealso i work on my health full time, you don't
don't copy-paste, but that's your full time job ?
I was speaking from memory, not copy-pasting. I got my BS in something the job market doesn't need, but I've applied to a good company hoping I get accepted into.
DeleteAlso, we're not a competition. I don't think your path has any use for the competitive spirit.
i think a bit is okay
Deletethat soccer stuff is pretty cool ! when i used to do somatics i noticed improved co-ordination and balance while playing volleyball and also while doing some dancing lol . when you asked me about what i was doing i wasn't really in the mood to discuss this but we can now ! lol
ReplyDeletei have been doing this stuff on and off , like so many things . lately i've been watching this guy's videos and while he isn't considered somatics it's pretty much the same thing with slightly different movements
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJtq5-e-ZBvB4lweqECt2xQ
it seems there's some excellent practitioners in your area ! i think it would be better to see one and learn from their experience . that's if you want to though ! i don't know how much it would cost .
http://hannasomatics.com/find_a_practitioner
the only practitioners in canada are either on the west or east coast and i'm stuck in the middle . . . this is one of the reasons i want to travel to bc .
well the practitioners that show up on that link are only certified/members of a specific group and there are more practitioners around if you look .
that youtube dude that i linked lives in portland , maine
Deleteyou got some nice choices there brother
well i guess you can schedule skype sessions too with most if not all of these people
Deletethe good thing about long island is you can find almost anything
Deletethe problem with me though is i can hardly stick to anything, somatics seems cool but i wouldn't do it for too long
i know this is more of a dream, but new zealand offers a work-travel visa where you can stay in the country for a year, for canadians it applies until age 35 and U.S. it's 30, so we've got some years to figure it out if we ever want to go lol
course i could always go alone
but you've got BC ahead of you and i've got massachusetts, my mom used to say 'one thing at a time'
word i can't stick to shit, period.
Deleteand yeah you'd probably go alone if it ever happened. it'd be cool to go there for sure but i don't have a huge desire to do it.
well that trip is settled then
Deleteday by day, for me today was a lot of napping
yeah dude don't want to give you a false idea about travelling there with you and then when that day comes NOPE i'm not going ya know? although it is very pretty judging from the few pics i looked at
Deleteday by day dude day by day
i went out to visit today, first time in 10 days. well i still go across the street to my cousin's it's just that i mostly abandoned other friends across town which is actually only a few streets down lol.
not like i'm doing hardcore meditation or anything, just chilling at home and indulging in crap
i go days without seeing anyone, or even saying anything besides "hello" to my dad in the morning
Deletei've almost completely left behind my friends from town
a couple of them invited me to go to their country house, on the same road as zen mountain monastery, i told myself i wouldn't go anymore after last year, but i've had an itching to climb mt. tremper
once i move i think i'll really move on, shouldn't put my hopes in the future too much
i think last year i did too many stupid fucking things
Deletedrinking, smoking pot, snorting coke, taking shrooms... holy fuck, i'm going to kill my brain.
now i'm mostly just being lazy so far, drank and got high once this year so far... i believe i'm going to drop these habits but i still feel the pull sometimes of wanting to do them. and i want to do them because i want to get rid of some discomfort i sense within myself but i've been doing some examining of this instead of just running for that high.
but when i'm not examining this stuff then i'm indulging in twitch, maybe listening to music and watching movies and not good quality stuff either. i would love to get a job again but that involves doing other stuff, mainly moving to the city because the main source of employment here is fire fighting and that's seasonal obviously...
i could apply to work in the mines but i'm not too sure about that one.. FUCK i'm not sure what i can do. i'd only do stuff if i was forced to. or maybe not. this topic is too fucked up, so many different twists and turns but in reality i'm just a lazy piece of shit.
these people who invited you... are they the partying type? you'd be exposed to that if you went to visit them right...
my apologies for posting so much but this is actually pretty helpful in working things out
Deletei liked working in the fire base here doing manual labour but i doubt that will happen again because last summer was an emergency situation and they needed the help. i can't apply to be a fire fighter because everything they held the training i haven't either been not around or when i'm around it gets canceled. i could've taken it a few years back but at that time i was working somewhere else and wasn't too keen on that type of work, i didn't want to get into that field.
i just make stupid choices.
i also didn't mind wwoofing, the only thing i disliked was the constant socializing. maybe i should've communicated myself and say that i would've liked some days by myself.
replied below
Deletei like the energy in the posts
ReplyDeleteyeah they're all alcoholics, with some of them smoking pot, and two of them doing harder drugs, i'll probably regret going but who knows
is there a just moving forward ? why should we fret over what we've done because really without what we've done we wouldn't be here right now
even for drugs, with shrooms i might have not got over my fear of the dark, and without pot i might not have looked my life over after having that fateful sort of night
i think time is fragile
i think all this drinking and drugs, even jerking off, is some sort of survival mechanism, and what's done is done like i said, so as andrew was saying, let's just go with the flow
luckily i have some control over myself, i don't think i'll do anything upstate, maybe a drink but not much if at all
btw i give part my control of jerking to lithium carbonate
the setup in massachusetts is baller, just me and this guy on the farm, he's not married and he's pretty interesting, don't think he would mind me being quiet, and i'm ready to move away from my "friends"
i'm not really fretting i guess it's just i'm really noticing the effects that this sort of lifestyle entails
Deletelike when i first asked andrew about getting started on the bcd and me posting on the who knows board. i wasn't doing cocaine then but i already noticed the effects occurring such as my memory becoming shitty.
now it's so much worse lol and still i'm not taking it seriously or not taking it as seriously as i should so double lol
when i was about to leave for my wwoofing trip my dad said to my uncle "if he wants to work on a farm he should just go to sarah's (my auntie) farm"
i think i offended her though by swearing on facebook and she wrote on that status wondering how to remove me so i just did it for her
that energy you like is maybe my mania kicking in
Deleteidk if it is
Deletemy godfather has a farm, if i had the chance to go there i'm not sure i would, too much to deal with
jason, butting a soccer ball with your head is concussive, i have seen research to that effect !
ReplyDeletesports and concussion is an exploding issue because of MRI's showing what happens, sports rules will have to change, but even being sued hasn't effected anything in american football, they will have to pay out again i guess before they understand !
jon, underground mining can be bad news because of the toxic metals in the dust breathed, there will be satisfactory jobs in mining, but a bit of investigation is needed, the mine of course and what's in the orebody will need to be looked at
i've never liked heading the ball, in fact it was one of the main reasons i was taken off the starting line on varsity while in high school
Deletealways believed you 'lost brain cells' while heading
i avoid it, but sometimes it's necessary because like you said it's part of the game
anyway, i'll try harder to take myself out of those situations where i have to head the ball
yeah my cousin worked in a uranium mine for a bit. he quit within a month or something because he had to go through a tight process to keep safe from the radiation and what not. so he just got sick of it.
Deletemy buddy goes up north for a bit to a town called uranium city to visit and they can't really eat the fish around there so mines are pretty fucked. place is pretty abandoned, only a handful of people living there now.
pretty neat place up there too
http://canoeski.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/IMG0080crop.jpg
http://canoeski.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/IMG0137crop.jpg
http://homepage.usask.ca/~mmw819/images2/athabasca.jpg
nice pics yo
ReplyDelete