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Sunday, May 29, 2016




i've been playing soccer lately and it's been good exercise, i've also been avoiding heading the ball like when a corner kick is taken i'll step out of the box
i was good when i was young and sort stooped down as i got older, i think it was the competitive aspect that was unrelentless week after week so since it's just for fun now i can enjoy it more
the running is good, it will be difficult for me to get into long distance running but with soccer it's very fun while also getting the running in
i'd be happier with it if i didn't have to be in contact with potentially viral people, could be 22 people in a game



i got a bike helmet too so i can bike to work, about a half hour, thing is i like to relax for a half hour at home before work..














Jason Da Fonte:
it's too bad your blog hasn't kept up with you, you used to write really interesting stuff 

dave st germain:
Some people “write for themselves”, but I never felt that way. Since almost nobody reads what I might write, I don’t see the point of it. Recently, somebody was encouraging me to write 750 words per day. We’ll see about that...

Jason Da Fonte:
well i would read it, i could guess two or three people who would as well

















andrew :

depression and what goes with it undercuts absolutely everything . . .


















vice documentary " the man who eats roadkill "

the comment section is actually very in favor of his actions, with a lot of vegans agreeing with what he's doing




















bald man with long hair, skinny and shirtless sitting in a chair in front of a mirror playing a ukulele laughing maniacally 




















had a pint of heavy cream several days ago and it made me depressed, just getting over it today





















mike's bodhidharma
















" you are such an old soul ! "

yes, I am so autistic
















having something explained to you and understanding it on your own are two different levels













learn to be alone











i've been looking through a dating application called " tinder " and i was thinking there must be a basic bitch formula, all these girls are saying, doing, and looking the same !




















elaine gottschall ( founder of the scd diet ) interview




















assessing a woman seems to go gut reaction, then to the balls, and finally the brain











i'm always changing.. physically, mentally

always, always, always



















my father used to get tickets to hockey games at the coliseum, he'd sometimes take me while i was still young and usually it was just to humor him as i didn't and still don't know the rules of hockey very well

well it was the last period and our team was down by five, there was something like 5 minutes left and most fans were getting up walking out up the aisles to leave, my father was ready to leave too but i told him to wait until the end, i had a good feeling


one goal, two goals, more goals and by the end we were winning, the remaining fans were going nuts, the loud buzzer went off and i walked out of there like i accomplished something



















[–]kaneckt 1 point 2 days ago 
You seem insecure
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[–]Dogonapillow 1 point 2 days ago 
you are an idiot
what do you do man besides kiss ewk's feet ? do you do anything real or peripheral to zen ? or are you just a bad pretender ?

















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[–]kaneckt  2 points 2 days ago 
You're kissing ewk's feet. I think you're obsessed with him.
I don't do any zen real or pretend or peripheral. In fact I have no clue what your question even means.
I'm an idiot.
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[–]Dogonapillow 1 point 2 days ago 
yep !

















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[–]zaddar1 [+92]7th patriarch 2 points 5 days ago 

the moon floating above the pines beams its healing rays, warming those "who know"

harmonies flow from the finger tips to make the listener and player weep . .

an intrinsic deep melody of a complexity, beauty and harmony that rivets !

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[–]Dogonapillow 1 point 5 days ago 
really good
bet no one on the forum could translate that better
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[–]zaddar1 [+92]7th patriarch 1 point 5 days ago 
a bit more than a translation !
this is the big thing to get used to in zen, what we see in the records is like an emaciated shorn sheep compared to the original, or at least what some of the originals must have been
the "boundarized morons" of course pout and sling mud because their empty fraud is exposed when confronted with real emotional depth !
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[–]Dogonapillow 1 point 5 days ago 
they can't read it or they can't believe it
they want to stay in their paltry understanding
when you read zen stuff, are you doing a sort of translation as you're reading ?
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[–]zaddar1 [+92]7th patriarch 2 points 5 days ago 
nah, it takes literally decades to get the background to "realign" this stuff and then add a dash of inspiration !
actually i guess what you say is somewhat the case !
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    have you not read the shouting koan?
    Case 10 - Mu Chou's Thieving Phony
    Mu Chou asked a monk, “Where have you just come from?”
    The monk immediately shouted.
    Mu Chou said, “I've been shouted at by you once.”
    Again the monk shouted.
    Mu Chou said, “After three or four shouts, then what?”
    The monk had nothing to say.
    Mu Chou then hit him and said, “What a thieving phony you are!”

    [–]Dogonapillow 1 point 2 days ago 
    i think it was a tradition to yell at zen teachers to prove you had understanding, it's still a tradition in japan not surprisingly, there's a youtube video of it out there somewhere
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    why are people like flies attracted to shit ?
















    "so you're okay with just sitting around ?"


    yeah





















    at the supermarket there's this cute girl who i often look at, one of the two girls that work there, when i see a girl once every two months it's sort of special

    anyway, i think she was looking at me too, maybe she was interested or just wondered who i was because when i was checking out she asked ' where i was from ? ' i told her the town over and asked where she was from. she said she grew up in that town and knew everybody who came in

    anyway eventually she tells me she's a songwriter and she's on the local radio station, i thought that was pretty cool and asked if she had any youtube videos so she wrote down her name for me and songs i should look up

    her voice is okay, but her songs are sort of cliched and mostly about love, idk what i'm gonna say if she asks me what I thought

    i told her i wrote, she said writing keeps you sane, i agreed and told her my blog name





































    another good source of bukowski related things














































    it's tough for women and men to be friends


















    me:

    why do zen teachers feel compelled to find an heir but great writers like Charles Bukowski don't ?



    andrew:


    well the writing is the heir !

    wang wei, li po and tu fu left their poems, but they were literate

    i think a characteristic of tang and sung dynasty zen is the lack of literacy by most zen masters, you needed heirs or followers to have your pearls passed on, joshu i think was illiterate !

    plus there's always a lot of manual labour in zen to keep the monasteries and hermitages going, any man over age 40 running such a place needs young labour !

    in addition celibacy places a different perspective, charles bukowski had a daughter for instance !

    toni packer who wasn't keen on the idea of "heirs" eventually caved in and gave permission to teach to some students of hers, i think this was to keep the springwater center running and care for herself as she got older

    i think really its a circumstances thing

    a lot to do with the direction your life takes . .





















    ' don't ask, do ! '













    we were outside shearing a sheep and i had to get low to hold the sheep down, a tick must've latched onto my clothes because when i went inside and laid down i felt it maybe trying to burrow into my elbow

    well, i flicked it off and picked it up with a towel to bring to the cutting board and lined it up with a knife to cut down the middle but i missed and cut 4 of its legs, it sat there motionless and i thought it might be dead

    it ended up hauling pretty fast in a couple of moments, using its now nubs and walking more left than it would've with its whole body intact

    i thought that ticks didn't purposefully get Lyme's disease, this tick might've had it though and so I lined it up with the knife once more and sliced it down the middle revealing its grayish green guts, and into the sink with this morning beans














    " i just got home and i'm hiding outside so that i don't have to watch the batchelorette with my wife "


    "why do you have to watch it ? "


    " what am i going to do ? go upstairs and sit in my office ? "


    " ah, the married life "














    ewk:

    Your irrational belief that you are the 7th Patriarch isn't a basis for you to "teach" in this forum.
    I encourage you to consult a mental health professional about your religious experiences and online conduct.


    me:

    ever read charles bukowski ? he thought he was inches away from a psych ward, and he was 1 quadrillion times more interesting than you









    me:


    you know some of the historicity of zen, but you don't know the real thing, the real work, aka " straight up real zen, not fake voynich ! :o) "


    andrew:

    he (ed. ewk) is so weak in his "research" its a travesty to call it "research"
    if you actually read dogen and look at a map of the monasteries he visited , you realise he went to china !












    hakuin is one of my favorite zen masters, the 7th patriarch doesn't require a language translation though















    my favorite bird song that i've heard in person



















    right and wrong is an illusion












    i've been having a lot of success with folapro, waking up without grogginess but have been dreaming more


















    friend visiting
















    my relationship with women right now is to stay away

    the country helps because there aren't that many women to start with


















    charles darwin suffered serious health problems through his professional life, i would say it's not far off to say he might've had chagas disease, and it's worth noticing that he took arsenic pills as a child

























    lewis carroll documentary, good to get an introduction on the writer, his life and supposed scandals

    lewis carroll's self portrait

















    i'm sad to see old links from other websites on andrew's website that no longer work, like a lost knowledge that i'll never be able to know


    well apparently 90% of links can be recovered !

















    helped to shear some sheep today, it's interesting how they become immobile once they're off their feet 
    Posted by jason at 9:15 PM 2 comments:
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    Thursday, April 21, 2016












    andrew :

    Yuefeng took off his sandal and hit ewk on the head with it
    ewk being rotund and greasy, rolled away !
    Yuefeng called after him ,  “ You stupid arsehole ! ”
     ewk winced and a visible shudder went through that fat blab of rolling pork ! !























    i think sepehr has been making more sense to me, maybe all that writing he's done has attributed to that


    i have to agree with andrew, it's a post well written

















    i don't know where people go when they die, to me it's like they're not even gone















    there's hardly such a thing as rush hour in the country !
















    this movie about dogen had its interesting parts, like the interpretation of his visions, i'm not sure how historically accurate the movie is as i haven't read much about dogen's life


















    i'm thinking of starting to bike to work, it's about a 30 minute bike ride, there's also a tai chi class a couple of towns over.. i might try it out but i don't think i'd stick with it
    i havent been meditating as much as i'd like to, i'm not sure why, i did have a pleasant time outside last night so i think i'll be doing that more often
    i've caught two ticks on my skin so far that hadn't bitten, you can feel them crawling around but i still do checks when i remember to



















    the clouds drifted by as the yellow moon rose over the trees

















    david foster wallace actually has a lot of fire in his voice during his speech to kenyon college, i actually read it the first time and listening to it is different




















    krill oil vs fish oil video

    the fact that krill oil has astaxanthin seems to be a stressed point



















    the good thing about couchsurfing is that it's free, the bad is that you're basically forced to hang out with these people















    louis theroux documentary on medicated children

    not once in the documentary is changing diet an idea, nor taking something less strong like supplementation, nope just use less medication

    concerning hugh, it used to bother me when my parents would speak about me with their friends, but people like to talk so




    just remembering when i told the doctor i don't like school and he recommended i go on adderall

    LOL


















    " you don't talk very much, why's that ? "

    i don't have much to say

    and what i do want to say would hurt your feelings or you wouldn't understand


















    " asking about my prescriptions, that's not how you make friends, that's how you make enemies "


    good insight to how people feel about talking about their prescriptions















    [–]Dogonapillow 1 point 4 minutes ago 
    i remember at Tassajara there was this guy who would go into the woods and smoke pot while there, I thought he was definitely wasting his time and just continuing down the same stupid road












    i was outside sitting on a rock, bright night with the full moon, when a coyote about 50 yards right on the tree line started barking, could've been the same one to have eaten the baby goats

    i thought i heard it thumping around but it was only my heartbeat
















    yogurt turned out to be very tasty and fresh, might've left it out too long leaving it sort of clumpy and watery but it's very good

    had a yogurt called siggi's the other day, they use a lot of cream and it was also very good !













    chaga's disease, scary stuff, and moving into the u.s. !





















    sepehr i can understand how you have a hard time finding time to meditate, with a house you have to pay for and a wife you have to pay attention to !

    your stocking job sounds depressing, i'm having a pretty good time working on a farm maybe you could try to find something like that, it is tiring being out in the sun all day, i got a sunburn working on the garden





















    well i guess i called andrew returning to r/zen before he could admit it ! maybe that means i'll make a return to a zen center or two

    not sure i want to get involved on r/zen again
























    women can change men, even their physical health















    even though i've put on weight since i got to Massachusetts, my face feels less swollen














    i was thinking the other day that a lot of people on r/zen are very passive aggressive


    now i just skip the passive if i have to be aggressive





















    ' cardinal ' by maxfield parrish























    castrated some piglets this morning, had four testicles after and definitely felt a testosterone increase later on

    could be trouble, i was about to start wishing for a woman





















    the back fat I used for lard came with some skin on it, I left it on while it was cooking and separated after and was debating whether or not to throw it away by tasting it, it's very good and it reminded me that my parents used to make a refuse gelatin stew that was probably common growing up in poverty in Portugal



    here it is, it's called feijoada transmontana, origins in northern portugal where my ancestors are from, this is just one variant and i think it basically went whatever you had went into the stew (pictures)

    transmontanos are what the people of the region are called ! i can only partly understand what these people are saying, which is the way it's always been for me !

    photo montage of the region














    no work, no prize !















    just got some homemade lard soap, planning on making some lard, yogurt, and cheese myself !

    seems like people tend to be healthier here, no mcdonalds within 30 minutes !














    wow, i wasn't sure it was going to happen, but the return of andrew to r/zen !

    hm, does that mean i'll be back to wasting my time there, or maybe i'll be productive by returning ?


















    when i was in portugal some time maybe 10 years ago a very skinny dog came walking by my grandmother's home, which is a bit odd because it's not near any other homes besides my godparent's

    i went to the fridge as he was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, i gave him as much as i thought i could without getting in trouble, i went inside but i expected him to come back the next days but he never did












    " i'm IT !!!! "


    read nikolai gogol next ?












    “I hadn't known there were so many idiots in the world until I started using the Internet.” 
    ― StanisÅ‚aw Lem


    ptsd is right when it comes to posting on reddit or elsewhere, i'm reserved about posting because it almost hurts to post









    jonathan bergeron fun artist














    interview with stanislaw lem, it's interesting how people are always trying to put labels on writers, like what the fuck does it matter ?















    reading goethe he mentioned hearing improperia and miserere (2), how wonderful that must have been


















    andrew:

    i couldn't write that on reddit zen, i'd be hounded or otherwise censored
    reddit zen sort of filters out any sense and all that bickering they have and complain about, well its all they really permit, the stupids !


    me:

    i feel like i'm a step above of what he's talking about
    i was somewhat upset when you shot down my monastic dreams, back in the reddit zen days
    i guess there's no real conversation on reddit zen
    i was actually thinking about going into neuroscience when i was in college, it would've never gone through for me












    one of my favorite soccer platers cristiano ronaldo will be having a child with a surrogate mother

    i watched his documentary, it seems like his son does not want to play soccer and that must upset ronaldo very much and might be why he's having another kid













    another leonard cohen interview















    good first day of work nice to be outside and working with animals, also learning skills i'll most likely use one day

    only complaint i have is that i was hammering staples in an old barn and i most definitely got lead paint in my eyes and ears, even my regular prescription glasses would've been a help but i lost them the other day on a bike ride, took a germanium once i got home !













    i've had trouble reading translations and only with my current reading of goethe's "italian journey" do i see the translator showing himself
















    we had some syrian neighbors that were coming by as they were getting involved in soccer and my brother has a big role in the town's soccer program

    they came by one day distraught, it was when things were really heating up in syria and they were worried about their family there, i don't think we saw them much after that

    they were sad i was sad it was very sad














    andrew:

    "thereʼs an old zen saying “ theoretically the point of a needle canʼt get past the border, in practice horses and coach drive through ”
    thereʼs sort of an analogish situtation in physics and astrophysics , “singularity” is in fact a philosophical idea that does not represent physical reality, its simply a situation where the theory is inadequate, but the fact a situation exists implies there is some make up of horses and coaches that drive through !
    the mistake of the likes of ewk and buji zen is to suppose the truth of the first part of that old zen saying and because they are not enlightened and have never done any real zen work, they imagine the 2nd part to be nonsense ! : o)(
    the hard part to get is that these lazy blightened morons are the norm of life ! :o(
    of course the other side of the coin is that the religious zen and buddhism build fake horses and coaches that just sit on blocks and donʼt go anywhere, easy meat for buji zen to point out !
    the real horses and coaches are reviled by both sides of course ! : o ) "




     me:

    awesome ! i don't think i would have understood the original saying without the explanation

    maybe the people who have the coach and horse think " why tire and feed the horse when i can sit pompously and show off to others ? "


















    goethe on his " Italian Journey "

    last sentences of his first paragraph












    i used the bathroom in the early morning the other day, probably around 4 am, i used one of the hall lights that was bright and when i got back into my hammock to go to sleep i was unable to for at least an hour, the light definitely woke me up












    went outside tonight, sat on a chair, walked around, saw the pigs

    it was nice, and the full moon gave a good introduction, it's really quite bright out, now i guess it's putting the extra hour or two in














    andrew :
    "guffawing and gaggling fools remain creepy monsters in the pond contaminating any reflection of the moon in its brown excrement laden waters . ."


    well written

    making a comeback to reddit zen ?









    went on a run when i first got here and felt like i was going to hurl, was very tired after my first bike ride too

    now going through my second run and bike ride it's crazy how much easier they were on me, maybe the tyromax helped ? not sure if i'm taking too much yet, my head has felt a little bit spacey but my diet hasn't been too great either



    Posted by jason at 8:06 PM 19 comments:
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    Sunday, March 27, 2016



    zen centers, i'm wishing for something that isn't there












    photo album

    video 1

    video 2




































    having good improvement with tyromax so far, think i should stick to around 8 drops

    haven't tried a split between 4 in the morning, 4 at night

    better thinking, seems like i have more energy















    seems like there's plenty of guns to go around in the u.s.


    i guess i wasn't exposed to guns as much in southern new york because it's taboo to even own a gun
















    crows must have a good sense of sight, i left those pig corpses outside in a bucket and when i came back an hour or two later to cover them up a crow was already picking at them, too bad for him there wasn't much left that was good anyway















    i'm most comfortable when i'm alone

















    my limited proficiency of portuguese and spanish would grant me easier travel all over south america
















    emailed the cambridge zen center and providence zen center about possibly getting a scholarship to visit outside of retreat

    both didn't offer any sort of help charging $50 and $60 a night respectively

    i think they would offer a scholarship to stay during a retreat, but the more i think about retreating at centers the less appealing it is, the bad food, the strict meditation ..


    i also emailed a several christian monasteries in the area, one offered to pay as little as i like, another offered to let me stay for free, and the other only offers retreats















    gutted some piglets that either didn't make it through birth or the cold night, got plenty of organs, about 4 thyroids, missed one or two when i mixed it up with the larynx, immediately knew i took the larynx when it was too late to get the thyroids

    ate 3 thyroids cooked and didn't notice much of an effect, later ate one raw and about an hour and half later i got pretty warm, flushed cheeks

    also could've been the higher dose of vitamin e i took 300 iu


















    english subtitled stanislaw lem documentary















    desiccated thyroid treatment results

















    ate badly last night and most of today, feeling sort of psychotic just from that














    i went to a sustainable community farming seminar today

    it was at this hippie retreat center, they had human waste compost inside in the living quarters, the stench my god !











    stanislaw lem's " the futurological congress "

    incredible book !














    ended up ordering a thyroid supplement, branching off on my own and not really following the compendium, sort of intimidating














    there's a different aspect to autistic people that most people do not have, it's an unyielding childishness
















    there's a place that goes by an honor system selling raw milk, you take a gallon, leave 6 dollars in a box

    also local eggs around, and of course offal from the farm i'm staying on !

    it's good that i can pasteurize my own milk, should have more nutrients


    the owners of the farm drink the milk raw, they all are in very good shape, they were on a reality tv show for "spartan races" last year














    andrew:


    we talk at each other, we talk to each other ,  what do we say ?
    nothing





    it's all wasted breath, but most people don't realize that





















    guy whose farm i'm staying is pretty intelligent, i think this farm life attracts a certain kind of person

    he was telling me about this study before i got to read it

    there's actually a decent supply of offal here, not thyroids which i really need, think i'll try to go to a butcher and see if i can find someone competent to cut that out for me



    i told him about the uv lamp i'm trying to build because he has electric experience, and although i told him it would be for irradiating mushrooms he guessed that i could use it on my skin as well









    large amounts of EMF coming from my computer speakers, i had a feeling there was something wrong with them before i even was able to read them














    participated in reddit's social experiment robin

    what i found it is people will keep talking bullshit and i don't really want to listen to it

    i felt that i was being more real than most people involved in the chat, asking more real questions with everyone else using more cliches


    at one point i was going to promote my blog in the chat, but i didn't think anyone would give the time to understand any of it













    finished reading john kennedy toole's " a confederacy of dunces " today

    it was a very funny book, and i found myself relating to igantius from time to time, someone i could have been !


    there was a play in boston in december 2015 on the book, i might've gone if i was around and knew of it


    i think i'll be processing the book for a while


    i've got at least 20 other books waiting to be read, excited i finally have the room to read through them all

    tour of ignatius' new orleans












    getting settled into my new place, the quiet that i've lived without for most of my life

















    poetry is an open thing
















    sepehr :

    Maybe you should show some humility for once given your weak attention span.

    (regarding andrew)


    me :

    why is that a negative ?












    had a dream last night that i walked past sepehr, we started talking and he wasn't acting so tough in person

    he let me read part of his play and when is started reading i imagined a wall being built










    not writing for a day or two, i found myself sort of missing it












    two health related TIL posts within two days ( 1 , 2 )












    andrew :


    so the play opens with the frame filled with monetʼs  ‘ study of a figure outdoors  :  woman with a parasol, facing left ’ and morphs to an actual reality scene of monet’s intial vision of suzanne hoschedĂ© on the embankment of the  ‘  l'ile  aux orties ’ ,  then him painting that picture back in the studio at giverny and then morphs back to the microscopically written play in the bottom right hand corner of the painting and the words are read to say the play starts with the frame filled with monetʼs . .

    me :

    the never ending play
















    went out to lunch with my family, which isn't something we usually do, well we saw our old pediatrician and his wife there 


    he recognized my brothers, but they especially noticed me because i was the kid who cried " no pica ! (no shot !) " so loud that they thought the police would be called

    i remember running around the office trying to hide anywhere i could

    i was a smart cookie, it was the contents that scared me and not the needle 


    Posted by jason at 6:36 PM 4 comments:
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    Sunday, March 20, 2016
















    Study of a Figure Outdoors: Woman with a Parasol, facing left     ~    claude monet













    you can't take a shred of criticism













    for a while i thought i was allergic to pineapple because when i eat it it gives me a strange feeling in my mouth, and i think my stomach ?

    well i just found out bromelain is derived from pineapple

    " Bromelain is produced in Thailand, Taiwan, and other tropical parts of the world where pineapples are grown. It is prepared from the stem of the pineapple plant after harvesting the fruit for other purposes. The stem is peeled, crushed, and pressed to obtain the juice containing the soluble bromelain enzyme. Further processing includes purification and concentration of the enzyme. "













    andrew writes regarding sepehr's play :

    i know what you are writing because i am reading your posts !

    its the same problem as zakaj, just half worked voynich, i'm not going to step in and fix it for you !













    andrew writes :

    if i said infinity is meaning and meaningless ! ?




    i write :

    there's no room for trying too hard

    something clicked about it being meaningless





    s, why do you return to andrew's blog ? does it really matter that he occasionally mentions you and your name ?


















    a school friend of mine i grew up with has been doing drugs since leaving for college

    pot, drinking, cocaine, percocet, adderall and other pills

    i believe heroine, though he's never admitted to it

    recently an anonymous letter was given to the parents, they are thinking about sending him to rehab and believe i wrote the letter

    well here i have no reason to lie and i can say it wasn't me, even though i've thought about doing that exact thing

    anonymity can backfire onto others

    i'm not sure if i believe in rehabilitation, but the most positive thing for him will be being sober for the next several months, brain damage was apparent being around him
    Posted by jason at 9:01 PM 21 comments:
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    Monday, February 29, 2016


    " off with her head ! "


    " which one ?!?! "












    i've met a lot of intellectuals, most with little sense












    a couple of old teammates reminded me that i used to stare at planes going across the sky

    i didn't think it was so obvious, but they were joking that i used to never listen to the coach but i would be staring at planes, i've been doing that for a long time though staring at planes, never thought it was too obvious

    i guess i don't know how people can talk over them













    jon writes

    there's an exaggeration in life, a boundary
    and if you cross that line you're considered fucking crazy
    like.... people are content to live in a cage instead of
    ....just pouring out















    reading shakespeare during my teens in school, it never felt right

    first of all i have a hard time understanding old english, especially with something dense like shakespeare

    i remember watching part of the 1996 modern twist of romeo + juliet , and i think it does make more sense to watch plays rather than read

    we read macbeth one year and were asked to do a video interpretation, my group and i made a hilarious rendition of the show 'the office' and macbeth, called it 'macoffice', the class was roaring with laughter and i thought it was pretty well done too.. our teacher gave us a C+, the lowest of all the classes, didn't stop her from choosing it to be one of the two or three she showed as an example to the following year's grade

    maybe i'll watch this 2015 version of macbeth
















    " the only reason you like Jason is because he is a brain-damaged cuckhold who imitates your style. "


    at least i don't drool when i speak/write like you !










    once again i don't have enough attention to detail

    what i thought andrew said was nesquik chocolate mix and what he really said was nestle baking cocoa














    growing up i thought tattoos weren't healthy, i thought most people thought the same but i guess not














    if we're solipsists, then we're already talking about solipsism ?










    why make sense of the senseless ?











    z did you listen to andrew when he told you to give up trying to understand zen and instead focus on health ?


    i thought that was a really good piece of advice












    leaving my childhood home behind, i'll be sacrificing a lot of luxuries for independence












    i've been eating like shit and i feel it in my head, numb !










    i was in new york city yesterday to play some pick up soccer with some friends, had to take the subway to get downtown and the subway cars were very packed with people, no room to move around shoulder to shoulder

    i was right by the entrance doors to the car very close to people, was not enjoying that

    two stops into the ride an asian woman a bit older than me gets onto the car and it's so packed her breasts were on my shoulder

    they were soft, and she felt cool and sort of magical, sort of a touch and energy only certain women give me

    after several more stops she moved away from me, we exchanged glances, but i hardly remember what she looked like

























    i get these ephemeral feelings of the past, good feelings not exactly memories

    they appear once in a while











    when i used to drink alcohol i would get very aggressive, especially sexually to women












    sepehr's criticism that i should read more quality was fair, there's always more room for quality reading


    i do read quality, but not very diversely













    i'm a mix of unknown and infinity

    i don't really know who i am though


    reading this excerpt of knausgaard's book

    writer's groups do not sound like the kind of writing i'd want to be involved in

    deadlines, idiocy of other's comments on your writing

    he was young though, 19 when he joined, when i was 19 i was writing on r/zen, i was pretty conceited back then too !












    girl teaches herself how to dance dubstep by using youtube












    i enjoy writing, if i didn't i wouldn't come back here

    and i wouldn't sit around thinking i wish i had something worthwhile to write about













    “We walked out on the veranda with our drinks and watched the afternoon traffic…I told her that Knut Hamsun had been the world’s greatest writer. She looked at me, astonished that I’d heard of him, then agreed. We kissed on the veranda, and I could smell the exhaust from the cars in the street below. Her body felt good against mine.” CHARLES BUKOWSKI, Women (Chapter 21)










    karl ove knausgaard writes about his trip in america and canada









    i was gifted and read david foster wallace's " this is water " in book form

    i threw it out in a bit of a book purge, i thought it was wishy washy and really not that good










    andrew:

    its interesting about forgiveness, i donʼt think you forgive or forget for good reason, but you can move to a more functional space where logic rather than emotion rules . .
    people make mistakes, but the trajectory won't differ, caution and not being too negative are spaces to move forward . . i n t o ! ?








    you think you're giving me advice but it's not true











    zephyr writes

    An3drew, while he has good advice sometimes, is not perfect. Do not try to emulate him. Get solitude for SHikantaza but also read good works and be your own person and stuff, that's basically Andrew's main message. I've been getting a lot of the latter but not enough of the former, so I need to get the balance right again...

    Granted, you don't want to become like Andrew, man. The dude is extremely mean and has bipolar tendencies. One moment he'll praise you and the next moment he'll act as if you were never praised at all.

    I don't need another person gossiping behind my back.

    Also, the fact you never thought I have never dive, shows how ignorant you are. You can't rely Andrew for all of your opinions, and I've asked you politely before not to gossip behind my back, especially with places where I haven't disclosed my name or whatever. 



    i reply

    did i say i thought you never dove ? i've been reading your messages and i know youre training for your full license or whatever it is.. i know you've gone on a couple already

    i know andrew more intimately than you, so once again with the useless 'advice'

    you posted something from ligotti onto the 7thzenpatriarch blog a couple months back, idk if you said exactly what your username was but if people really wanted to know who you were they could figure it out, why the anonymity anyway ?


    i don't want to be andrew, i want to be better than andrew but until then i'll listen to what he says cuz you know he's got about 3 more decades of contemplation experience compared to you



    i updated my post so that it doesn't show your name directly



    i actually find andrew to be very nice, maybe he's nicer to me cuz i actually listen to him and do the work ? where as you just bullshit ? 

    what's being bipolar anyway ? isn't the world a madhouse, a constant shifting fractal, so go with the flow life isn't predictable and your emotions shouldn't be either 
















    i don't feel bad for being a killer !









    my family had the 1989 version of batman on vcr, i must've watched it more than 20 times

    the intro was always interesting to me









    " what's wrong ? you don't look so happy today "

    what i said:

    i have a stomach ache

    what i wanted to say:

    some moron pissed me off on the internet !










    i've been on a sugar binge the last couple weeks, today it really hit me how bad sugar can be,  woke up feeling like i was a notch or two down, haven't felt like that for a while

    maybe it's the winter ?







    pasturized fruit tastes like its fruit pie, minus the pie, tonight it was apple pie-less !











    'king moron' starts a thread on ligotti.net

    sorta shows what 'king moron' might be expecting from diving, fantasy ? that coupled with his comments about " diving into kensho "

    andrew's opinion is that he'll face reality more when he gets more into diving








    zakaj's reddit username


    zakaj makes a post about his possible hypothyroidism, welcome to the sinking shit zakaj !

    it's too bad you haven't listened to andrew, one of the first things i learned from him is to stay away from kelp









    grew up eating a lot of this, basically rice with chicken and its blood

    my mother used to call it "black rice" because she thought i would be afraid to eat blood, when i found out i wasn't really skeeved by it 











    i should quit planning things ahead











    reading andrew's pending poems 1 and 2 was my favorite time reading poetry so far









    not eating for several days won't be easy
    Posted by jason at 11:29 PM 36 comments:
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